4/23/2009

Seriously, that might go down as the best video ever. Just the tip. Just to see how it feels. Get all hopped up and make some bad decisions. Well, I'd like to say I didn't blog yesterday because it was Earth Day, but more likely because I'm the one who has every single light on in the house when it's bright and sunny out. Ahhh, Springtime is tops, isn't it, people? The only thing that could make me happier is if you let me go to another 6th row Britney Spears concert and then lick the inside of her sequin bra.

God have I been having some totally weird dreams lately. The first one revolved around my Aunt and Uncle having a huge beach mansion right at the base of the sand stage that Obama and his beach band were playing their concert on. Like I could walk up and touch him. And he was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, linen pants and one of those hats like rice farmers wear, just strumming his guitar. And his concert was being broadcasted up onto this huge stage, but he wasn't on it. And then my little sister tried to give me a crapload of drugs. And I was so mad at her for trying that. And I put them in my purse with the other drugs she had given me over the years and I was proven to show her that she was not taken drugs after all!

Moving on to last night, it was some dream about me on rollerskates, I had escaped from an all-girls camp and was on a speed mission to roller skate through this spiral upward concrete warehouse that was just full of people that were pouring out of a wrestling convention. They were all going the opposite way as me, which made it really difficult. And they were all wearing black and looked like they hadn't showered in 11 years. Most of them were in wheelchairs and some were carrying toddlers who had real bodies with completely white Styrofoam heads. And the heads were talking. But I kept rollerskating up to the top and crying. And people were stopping to puke and I was fighting through crowds of wrestlers and their fans and finally I got to the top and it was this room and I had to skate around a carpeted floor filled with a lot of chairs where elderly people sat, but these ladies were closing it down because I took too much time to get to the top and I just started crying.

Seriously, for the love of Jesus, does somebody want to hire me? Immediately? I think I am starting to fall apart in my sleep. Either that, or Brian is drugging me while I sleep with my mouth completely wide open. I do that.

Let's tone it down a bit. I took a yoga class this morning, which was pretty bold for someone who's leg could snap like a rubber band at the shear attempt to form some sort of stretch. Is it weird that I felt like I was going to go into cardiac arrest, even though the lights were turned down low, flute music was playing, and we had only completed about 15 minutes worth of peaceful stretching moves? God I am a candidate for Jenny Craig. My favorite part was at the end when I got to empty my mind. Certainly not the part where I attempted the famous three-legged table and I almost fell over on my back and twisted my wrist. Picture me. I locked eyes with the bandanna-wearing instructor before preforming the move and she totally had to assure me over the mic that I would not break my leg by flipping over that way. Let's just say, you wouldn't want to eat dinner on my table. Yuck.

Well, I'm going to try to make the house presentable for the breadwinner of the family. Then we're going to down some sweet spinach ravioli casserole that I whipped up with my own two bare hands yesterday. Then probably play Xbox together and make out for the remainder of the night like the super couple that we are.

I will leave you with what the last few of my weeks have been filled with. I'm talking all day, every day, non-stop. Sue Bee Honey and some bing cherries.









(top to bottom: brother-in-law's brother, matrix mom, exchanging words, alien.)

4/16/2009

Jonah David

Auntie Jennifer here. Now blogging for your pleasure.

Well, on Friday, on was in the shower, doing some of my best thinking as I always do, and planning out my weekend in Kansas City for Easter, when we got the call that we would be going to St. Louis instead because Holly was pushing a basketball out of a keyhole.

People, I have been waiting for this moment. I cry when I see her because it's all so glorious. We had planned on driving to St. Louis from Omaha because we didn't want to pay Southwest Airlines up the butt and because we are just slightly crazy enough to do it. So we threw a wooden rocking chair in the trunk and headed out onto the open road with internet access, 7 hours of bonding time, and Bejeweled 2 on the iTouch.

We raced there to the Lou. I held my breath as I passed by Columbia because I don't like to breathe the dirty Mizzou air. We ate tasty double cheeses at McDees. I surfed the internet all the way because Brian's work has finally provided something for the spouses: a piece of brilliance that plugs into the company laptop and gives you internet anywhere. Even in the middle of a farm. Then we pulled into Chesterfiled and rocked out to Guitar Hero Metalica with my father-in-law until the wee hours of the night.

From there on the only words we spoke were blood pressure, cervix, petocin, and sponge baths. Just kidding about that last one. Funny thing is, every time I went to visit Holly, I had to choke a brown snake. Very unfortunate.

So we waited and waited for this baby to come into the world. He wasn't scheduled to appear right away, so things had to be done slowly and darn it if he didn't come slip sliding out into the world at 5:13am on Monday morning thanks to a little extra help from the ol' birthing ball. He's the greatest thing I've ever seen. A little mighty man, weighing about 5 pounds and making little sounds that just make my heart melt into a ball of slime.

We visited Holly and Jon and Jonah David in the hospital and I almost became a baby snatcher right then and there, but I decided that maybe I'd just make another run down to the cafeteria for a Dr. Pepper. He makes little peeps that are just the best and I can't wait to be a big big part of his life. More importantly, this whole process made me want to have 57 babies right there on the spot.

I covered Jon and Holly up because who knows if they wanted their faces gracing the pages of this very popular and well-read blog. Out of respect, I put a fun little graphic over them, so that I could remain a part of this family and maybe be allowed to eat that baby's cheeks when I see him next time.

So we are home now and my body decided to gift me with a horrid cold. I went to bed so early last night, took some Nyquil and rolled over and it was 1 o'clock the next day. Champion sleeper, yes I am. Man weekend 2009 begins tomorrow, which means zero sleep and our whole house will smell like a fart.

4/10/2009

Mama's got some new kicks. No more dirty lawn mowing house shoes.

It was a raining day yesterday, so what better than to go hold a baby. Gosh darn it a really, really cute one. And better yet, Brian did it, too. People, that never happens in a million years. He thinks he will break them or ruin them or punt them across the room or something. It brought a single tear to my eye and was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. So I've decided we have to get a jump start on having 27 children immediately.
Either that, or I need to become a baby snatcher.

I reached an all new-time low yesterday and began playing XBox yesterday by myself. I am attempting to beat the vocals on Rock Band 1 on Expert. Yeah, you heard me. And I'm ruling at it. So much so that the game is actually telling me to ease up. This is precisely why I need a job badly. Just when you think I've gone off the deep end, I will have you know that I'm still waiting on the good news that I have either been hired or not, and I also went to a huge job fair. A lot of yo bangers wearing their best metal T-Shirts and chains seeing what retirement home they could work for, but there I was working my suit out. I made a sweet connection and god damn if I didn't turn some heads and get a few sweet blisters working that room.
Someone please hire me for love of all that is holy.

So today Brian and I are hitting the dusty trail and heading to KC for Easter. We'll probably have a family Easter egg hunt because everybody in my family is above the age of 18 and that just makes sense. Mostly, I'm just really, really jazzed about eating a shitload of ham.

4/07/2009

Let's discuss the best day of life (in addition to my wedding day) and hands down the best money that I have ever, outright spent in my existence on this planet. This second best day of my life, occurred on April 2nd, and whenever i think about it, it just gets my juices going. People, I attended the Britney Spears concert at the Sprint Center in Kansas City. From this moment in my young life, I don't care who knows it. I love her. It is no longer a secret and I shall shout it from the rooftops that I am her largest fan in the history of fandom.



I will tell you that we had 6th row seats. Yes you read me. SIXTH ROW. Yes, you can hate me. It was the only way to see this show and hugging myself for giving myself the gift of 6th row. How did I pull that off? I called Tickmaster, you idiots. And I called them well. I didn't pay up the butt, but honestly, after seeing the show, I probably would have. God. Does anyone want to go get a Britters tattoo with me?



So, I drove at the speed up light to Gardner to meet up with my girls Liz and Ashli. We hopped in the car, which Montie agreed to drive down to the Sprint Center. Had a few road sodas and listened to her new CD (I will burn it free of charge for all of you) three times on the ride down. I thought I was in heaven, but I had to remind myself I was in a Honda. Then he dropped us off and it was go time.

We waited in the largest crowd of cougars, teenagers, and gay men that I have ever seen in my life. No, Brian did not go with me. He's good, but not that good. After we were let in, it took everything in my power not to buy a $70 glittery Brit Brit T-Shirt. I couldn't turn back. I was already a super fan and I hadn't even taken my seat. I settled for a poster that now graces the complete left side of my bulliten board and I will fight you if you do not think I am the coolest person in the entire world.



We made our way down to our seats and I quickly realized that because we had seats 2, 3, and 4, that I would have a seatmate. Who the hell would go to this glourious feast of a show by themselves. Well I'll tell you who. I sat next to the biggest child molester on Earth. I figured halfway through I'd make it less awkward and ask him really enthusiastically if he was a Britney fan. He looks at me (it was then I realized I think, that he was mentally retarded) and only says, "My daughter's in state custody. Today's her fifth birthday. I love Britney." And he pulls out the CD insert to show me. Then he also notifies me that he has a Britney keychain and shows that to me as well. He smelled like crotch so Ashli agreed to switch seats with me because she's a risk taker and an excellent friend.



The show began. And I lost my mind. I'll admit, I wasn't really thinking I'd be that into the Pussycat Dolls, but gosh darn it if I didn't basically know all of their songs. And their lead singer Nicole Swartchningergehrerehr is from Kansas City! Side Note, I think it is impossible for that lady to not talk in a sexy whisper. But yes, those girls are basically strippers in tall boots with impossible heels. And you know what? I admire them for singing in a thong and weird shoes for an hour. It was neat. I'd hate to be the custodian that had to wipe down the equipment after every city. And how do you launder sweaty sequins?

Omg, onto the love of my life, B. Spears.
Seriously, when she came down from that ceiling, I just lost it.

It's like I automatically took an oath to go to every single one of her concerts until I go deaf, but then I will still go for the visual part of it. Picture me just screaming at the computer screen right now. I can't even convey to you how awesome it was. It hurts. She looked great. She could have sat Indian style up there eating Cheetos and I thought she would have looked great. She played everything. Off all CDs. Changed outfits, even looked directly at me a few times, I think. Of course there were a few parts that seemed like a full on sex show, but what didn't you expect from Britters. Then she hopped back on a giant umbrella, fully dressed as a gypsy and all was well again. Remember when she sang "Not a girl, not yet a woman" while sitting on the rocks of the Grand Canyon? Well here she's wearing some black shiny nipple covers and she's humping all over two dudes who are sharpening their saws on their cod pieces and sparks are flyin'. Woah Britney. That, folks, is why I bought that poster.



Setlist:
Circus
Piece of Me
Radar
Ooh Ohh Baby/Hot as Ice
Boys
If U Seek Amy
Me Against the Music
Freakshow
Get Naked
Breathe On Me
Touch of My Hand
Do Something
Slave; Toxic
Baby One More Time
Encore: Womanizer



I don't know how to best deliver you all of my pictures, but I've sprinkled some of the best ones throughout my post here. I kind of feel like my videos are the greatest, so go on and have a look at my Flickr collection.

There you have it. I don't care who knows it. I love her. Closed the night out with some T-Bell and it was the perfect end to a perfect night. If you asked me to do it again next week, same way, I'd ask you when are we leaving. God, right now I'm going to go explode and blow up.

4/05/2009

Hello there. I'm ready to be back.

I've written this first post about a million times. Mostly in the shower, because honestly and although you may find it disgusting, it's where I do my best thinking. I don't know who in the sweet Jesus reads this blog anymore. I know my best buds do, but for all I know, so could a stalker in a van with no windows, or Mariah Carey. But I guess the best explanation of why I took a short five month vacay, is the fact that I got laid-off at work just a few days before Christmas. Yes, my close pals know this, but I guess if you are long-time reader, Mariah Carey, you are probably blowing into a paper bag right now. So, do the math. I'm starting my fourth month of unemployment. I think I would have been allowed to touch the keyboard and hit publish anytime before right around now, I would have regretted it. I was just not ready to go.



I worked for EM right out of college. For 5 and a half total years. I met some of the greatest people who I still talk to every day. I have some of the funniest memories. I have some of the weirdest stories to tell. I went on two business trips to California where I met people like Randy Jackson and System of a Down. And when I got married, I was offered by the company to be the only person to work out of my home in order to keep the job going. For 3 and a half years I kept that going. I am completely honest when I say that I couldn't have loved a job more. No day was ever dull. Stressful maybe, but the work was always rewarding and incredibly interesting and the people made the work all worthwhile. There was never ever one day where I couldn't tell one person that I didn't love what I did. I often stayed up way too late, just because I wanted those magazines to look their very best. I was so proud of them. As silly as it sounds, when I got my copies each month, the first thing I would do was rip that box open, look for my name in the front and then flip through each page and just think about how amazing it all was that I was holding a month's work of hard work, turned into print.

Then I got the call, and I felt like my best friend had punched me in the stomach. I didn't understand it. I didn't think it was ever going to happen to me. I didn't think it was real. I felt blank. For a long time. I thought I was just going on a long vacation or something and I'd all come back to it someday. Except I guess I'm still on that vacation. And I've moved my desk to the other side of my room. And my phone doesn't ring as much upstairs anymore. And I'll tell you what. It took me about all up until this past month to feel better about it. And you can call me completely retarded, but I was an emotional mess. And I think the whole working from home thing nailed me a little harder. It was tough to get back to being me. I think I can finally say with confidence, that I'm over on the other side and I'm going to be okay.



This isn't a fun blog to write, but I need to put it in here for me. I need to remember this long down the road. I'm excited to get back out there in the real world, in an office, in the city I work in. In a stable company. I'm interviewing. In fact, I'm going to find out if I get a certain job tomorrow. I'm just closing a really big chapter in my life and the pages are just really, really heavy and I have tiny muscles.