3/27/2008

The mastermind who invented the egg McMuffin died today.


(Thank you, CLC for your artistic brilliance.)

I will be attending his funeral. In my dreams.

3/21/2008

Joey Hall Report: Day Four (3/20/08)



We'll I've gone and done it now. I let Joey stay up way too late and past his normal 10pm curfew.
And I'm not going to even make him wear his nighttime retainer, either. Because in the relationship of Jenn and Joey, we won a gold medal today.

It was the perfect day today. Besides the fact that Brian caught Joe downstairs in his dog bed with one of our heavily glued-up mousetraps..but we're not going to talk about that. I bet Joe spent the entire day up in my room, either laying right by me on the floor or right by the window I opened for him. He likes the breeze, not the garbage men. He just sits and pretends like he's staring out the window. Even though it's a little to high for him. He humped Brian's legs today a lot.

He does this little thing where I'll give him a good 15 minute belly-rub and then I'll stop. And his little limp wrist goes out just a touch as if to say, "Keep going, you tard." I rub his little tum tum and honestly, I'm a little worried that it's so hard. He's a man, so he's not pregnant, so maybe we'll just chalk it up to all those sit-ups I've seen him doing this week.

It's days like this where I almost march myself right on down to the tatoo shop and get some ink in honor of the best dog I know, little Jo Bo.

3/20/2008

ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK.


No biggie. Just Sherron Collins hanging with Lil' Wayne.
My dreams fulfilled, courtesy of a black bathrobe.

3/19/2008

Joey Hall Report: Day Three (3/19/08)



Well today it was just me and Joe. I was determined to have a good dog day as the sole leader of the household. Things started out great. When I go get Joey in the mornings, out of his kennel, he always does a HUGE LONG stretch before he exits his jail. It's enough to make me want to melt into the nasty carpet that the previous owners left for us.

I also learned that if I welcome him in the morning with a calm and soothing voice, he will basically sit there while I scoop him into my arms and eat him with a dull spoon like i want to do with little Kane in Life of Ryan. I can't quite see any more grass in our front yard. It's all dog crap. I picked up another load from the Chinese neighbors.

All was quiet on the western front until about 2:30 when I had a quick conference call and Joey decided to just take a lunging leap towards my calf and start humping it. Tight grip that dog has. He did that twice and then proceeded to chase his tail around in a circle for, I'm not kidding, 15 minutes. He was growling and just doing the crazy dance all over my house. Not going to lie, at this point he actually scared me. I seriously pictured him leaping up as high as my face and tearing all flesh off my body with his little underbite. It was getting downright nuts, so he spent a little time in the kennel so that I could feel like a woman again.

I let him out after a little downtime and apparently he was going to try to be a little humper again. And a little terror. I may or may not have cried. But I decided, no, all he needed was a little outside time in the toliet that had become my front lawn. I'm not kidding you, within 30 seconds of stepping foot out the door I hear the two Chinese boys yell out, "THAT'S THE DOGGIE THAT POOPED ON OUR LAWN!" Seriously? You kids come outside once a year and you are going to tear me down like that?

I was feeling a little low, but that's when Brian swooped in, and saved this family. We threw around that rope and I felt better. Me and Joe went on a ton of walks today and I even managed to do all the laundry and get an oil change.

The big thing about Joey today is that I opened my window in my office (because I was sweating through my bra) and Joey was fixated on whatever noise or piece of light came out of that window. It was so cool. He just sat there to see what was next. For the entire day. And he didn't even pee where I work!

He was not the biggest fan of the washing machine. Actually that just made him bark a hell of a lot. Sorry Joe, Uncle Brian has got to wear clean clothes to work, every single day. Annoying, I know, but that's just something we can't skip.

3/18/2008

Joey Hall Report: Day Two (3/18/08)



Today's theme was doo and poo. I mean, it was coming out of Joey's butt like a factory working into the night. We began the day with a poop that basically looked like he had been holding it in since he was born. I don't know if the yard is too crowded or not, but Joey will no longer crap in our front yard. He insists on dropping loads in the Chinese neighbor's yard.

So today, he decided to just start trotting along the sidewalk in the morning, so I went with it, taking our normal morning stroll. Today I opted for navy basketball shorts even though it was twenty degrees outside. We make it to almost the end of the street, when Joe decided to create a brown mountain of poo in the yard of someone I don't even know. God and it was green and grassy. I thought maybe I'd just let the poo be, but since those neighbors had a really cute garage door with windows, I went back with a plastic bag after I put Joey inside. But when I went down for the save, the poo just smushed really deep into the grass and then my finger slid into it. I ran back to my house and washed my finger probably 30 times.

Joey is really quiet, unlike you've lead me to believe at your apartment. He probably sleeps 90% of the day. Always right in my door or Brian's door. I was really feeling good about the day. Lots of belly scratches, a few barks at the UPS man, and even took a long squat right in front of the Chinese neighbor as she pulled out of her garage. He was dumping in her yard.

I was showing Brian a trailer for a new movie on the Mac when we both look over and see Joey right up against my bookcase. I didn't think anything of it, until Brian screamed that he was peeing. Then Brian laughed. Then I proceeeded to cry the entire rest of the day because I felt so betrayed by Joey. I let him have the run of the house and he pees in my favorite room. I made him smell it, gave him a light tap on the rear and then sent him down to his kennel WITH NO TOYS. Not gonna lie, that really pissed me off. Which is fitting, because he pissed. All over my heart.

I am convinced tomorrow will be better, but challenging. Brian has an all day meeting, so it's just me and the little guy. As long as he keeps his fluids in the yard, I'll be a happy lady. Besides, how can you look at that face full of teeth and be mad. You can't. And he also sneezed a half an inch from my face.

3/17/2008

Joey Hall Report:   Day One (3/17/08)



Happy St. Patricks Day. I think Joe was a little pissed he couldn't make it out to the bars for a little green beer.
Instead I kept him on a strict diet of brown dog food pebbles and loads of phlegmy water.

Joe didn't even bark until we woke him up at nine o'clock this morning, even though Mom was walking around banging on pots and pans.
He totally spazzed out when we brought him up in the morning and then we let him spazz one out on the front lawn.

Brian's at home all this week, so that helped me start out on the right foot with having a wild animal in my house. We let him have free reign of the house, upstairs or downstairs, but he always chose to be on the same floor as we were. Brian noticed he always likes to be in the direct middle of the house. Wether it be upstairs in the middle of our hallway, or downstairs right where the kitchen meets the family room.

By midday I really liked having a dog in the house. He really makes me happy. We're taking him out regularly and he goes 1 and 2 every time. Like clockwork. One time I took him out in the morning and after he did his business, he just takes off in a trot down the sidewalk. Like, we're going on a walk. And this was kind of a problem because he wasn't stopping and I was in white PJ pants with blue underwear underneath. Hope the minister living across the street didn't see that. Because we walked almost all the way around the block.

I really like when Joe gets sleepy mid-day. That's my favorite Joey. Brian left around 3pm, and Joey didn't know why. Joey proceeded to lay on the floor right by the door where Brian left, until Brian came home. He wouldn't move. Even though I was the only one home and I was upstairs.

Thank God Mom's gone, because the biting has stopped. We don't encourage that.

He won't poop in our yard anymore.. now it's always got to be the neighbors lawn or the way way backyard. Today I even cleaned up two huge dumps because I wanted to remain friends with our neighbors. That's love. Joey also loves eating rabbit turds. I gently yank on his leash because that love cannot last for long.

Going to bed. He didn't even eat any tissues today!

It's been about exactly a month since my last post. Where I got slammed with comments all of the sudden. Tonight, I've actually gone through and finished those people who requested a little write-up on our friendship. If you thought I forgot about you, turns out, I didn't. Updates below. So look. Especially Rachel Lamble. Because I need to know the answer to my question or I might pass out.

Let's remind you who I am:
Jennifer Elizabeth Hall Scott, 5'9, and an ungodly amount of weight.

Jesus Christ, that's not really me.
A.) I don't have a kid to have latch onto my sausage fingers
B.) I would probably lean twards not buying gold-detailed ass-attention drawers.

Here's kind of a better picture of lil' ol' me:

Just hanging out, ready to blog it up in my little gray t-shirt. Probably with no bra. Honestly, since I work from home, I don't think I've worn a bra in the last 2 years. So when I walk, my nipples drag on the ground.

No real reason for not talking to you, internet. ACTUALLY THERE IS NO TIME IN THE WORLD ANYMORE FOR ME TO DO ANYTHING. I'm constantly feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or worried about something. It has definitley become a chronic problem, but that's when Big Bri steps in and reminds me that life is thebomb.com and we share a tube of cookie dough together while intermittenly making out.

Seeing as I've got to catch up on two hot episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, I'm gonna fill you in list-style.

-BarStool Open in Lincoln. Sank first putt, first hole in one shot. Otherwise known as a hole-in-one. They announced it over the loudspeaker at the bar. Pretty sure I then took the putter and put it back into the holster I made with my other hand, like a tard. In front of about 50 other sober people. Note: I am not Tiger Woods. I proceeded to end the night with indigestion and Brian proceeded to end the night doing high-kicks so high that you would have sworn the man was tearing his bean bag. He was an out of control dance machine and that I had to bring back down to Earth so maybe he'd have a job the next day.

-Foo Fighters Concert. F'ING INCREDIBLE. Quit your jobs and go to their nearest concert. I kind of didn't have an opinion on the Foo Fighters before this show. Just went along with Joe and Brian. That was one of my top ten concerts of all time. Maybe top 5, kicking out the time I saw Adema at Ozzfest with live topless cage-girl dancers with nipples the size of Georgia. I think I have a massive crush on Dave Grohl. Sweaty, long hair, 'stache, no butt, wears black jeans. Clever as all get out. There was a run way off of the stage that went out into the crowd all the way to the complete other end. Then on the other side, a stage lowered, so the people who where in the back were suddenly in the front. Genius. He was all about giving everyone a good show. So that made me about 10 feet from Davey Grohl. He kept joking with some dude who was flicking him off. Saying that his triangle player made more money than he ever would. Then said to this dude that all he did for a living was suck dick. But he still didn't make more money than the freaking triangle player. Then he had his triangle player do a solo while Dave was in the back, in the dark, doing the dick-suck motions. Just killed me. They played Everlong and I had melted into the floor. I also almost got into 60 acidents in the parking lot trying to leave because I'm sorry, I wasn't going to let the entire nation go in front of me everytime. Dave Grohl also said he was going to call all of our bosses and tell them it was okay to take tomorrow off.

-KU Basketball. Went to Liz and Montie's to watch the KU/KState game. Watched KState's beloved player, Beasley, say that he could even beat KU in AFRICA. Also watched him admit he has spongebob sheets and underwear. This might have been the reason why I filled up Montie's entire sink with my digested food. Either that, or it was the power hour mixed with the overload of taco roll-ups that Hoffman made. Still, we creamed you, KState. Suck it you purple school. Now we've won the big 12 tournement and the Hawks are coming to Omaha. I'm on a wait list for tickets, but regardless, we will be downtown for the game. Can't wait for the March madness to begin. Bring on the Tanners Towers.

-Laura came up on Thursday night. We, I mean, I ate some Japanese steak house dinner and then we went out for incredible martinis and incredible music at the Coluseum ultra lounge where we saw a great dude play on his acoustic guitar that laura probably became pregnant from just by catching his eye while he was playing.

Got on OmahaNightLife.com

Of course, she looks like a hottie, and I look like I'm about to take my 12th African safari. Laura was un-impressive when it came to staying up late to party with the tube of cookie dough I bought her. But we did have a great time together. She hugely helped me out for my Southern Living Party, made me laugh when I always started crying around the nighttime (typical) and also made me feel about 16,000 pounds overweight.

Southern Living Party. Who am I? Yes I had one. Selling decorations for the home. Letting a flood of women into my house, turning them wild to the incredible food buffet I had set up. I don't mean to too my own horn, but toot toot. Me and Mary hosted the event, which raked in about $1500 in sales, thus giving me like 200 bucks of free merchandise. I seriously had so much fun. We had shrimp, we had Boulevard, we had live hydrangeas AS A CENTERPIECE. And tulips in the bathroom. In a bud vase. Just kill me now.

Mom and Steph's visit. Yes, they made the long treck up to attend my party. That meant so much to me. As you know, I am minorly obsessed with my family so it was amazing to have them up in the Husker Nation. My mom shopped till she literally dropped. I guess the highlight would be when she witnessed my current bra situation. That next day, Sue took me out to Dillards on a mission. To find her busty daughter a better bra. No more Vickis for me, she said. So Mom had me measured by "Pam" and then ordered the bras into the dressing room. Minorly awkward to have your mother and your youngest sister being exposed repeatedly to your nipples. Heck, even Pam saw them. So I have never seen this side of my mom. This bra-shopping, crazed lunitic, trying to sell me on the same exact bra she has. She kept snatching it out of the pile. Yelling to whoever was around that this bra was the best and that we would be buying 20 of them. I'm not gonna lie, Sue was right. I now have 4 bras that make me want to swing from the treetops. I feel thinner, feel like the twins are a little more tucked in, and feel like they don't look like they are gonna rip through my gap long sleeve T-shirt. We closed the trip up by giving Steph my old, restored computer and watching Evan Almighty on Palm Sunday. It was one of the best weekends I've ever had. I think Dad was back at home shaking because all he was surviving on was Culver's double cheeses for like 4 straight days.

Alright cool. That brings us to the present. I am currently watching my dog nephew while Laura is out partying amongst the families at Disney in Orlando. Her goal was to drink in every country at Epcot. My goal is to have her come back alive so she can pick up her dog before I can't see the grass anymore and all I can see are brown Lincoln logs.