9/20/2007

Um, I'm 12 years old. No kids. Regularly enjoy poop/fart jokes.

So, I get the following e-mail from a neighbor-lady down the street and just about die:

Hey Girls,
I am going to have a Botox party here on Oct. 5Th at 6:00 by Devenu Med Spa. A girlfriend of mine works there so they will come and do skin analysis and whatever. I don't really know how they work for sure but if you've ever been interested in Botox or fillers, or peels it's a great time for a consult with no obligation. And as a bonus you can watch me get poked in the face with needles. The only thing I know for sure is that if you want anything done that nite you need to fill out a medical consent form so if your interested at all let me know so they bring enough forms and you will get more details later!
Aren't you excited!?!
Shannon

Ah, Shannon, thanks for the invite.. I can't.. I have friends coming into town that day?
Thanks for the invite Shannon, I already feel that my face is tight enough?

This is definitely a first for me and will go down as the single most hilarious thing to ever happen to me as a result of living in my first house. First mortgage, first lawn mower, and first botox party invitation.

9/17/2007

Sadly, I'm back from a 4-day adventure in the Windy City of Chicago. You'll remember that whenever I go there, I never want to come home. Perfect city, lively and exciting, lots of friends, and it's impossible to feel dull when you're downtown. That city wakes you up and makes you feel alive.

I went to visit two of my besties, Sweet Meliss and Jones-Coleman. Can I say how much I needed this visit? I was in a bit of a Nebraskan slump, and these two girls brought me right back to who I am and where I needed to be. They are champions. I just want to give them a very publicly, mushy thank you for being two of the greatest pals a girl could have. The fun didn't stop, apparently I'm vulgar, and I love those two girls like I love wads of cash, a good snow, and cheese.

I started out by flying in to Midway with trusty Bri in tow. Preparing him for multiple craft and paper stores, he was the husband of the century. He even lets me deathgrip his arm and calms with down with made-up explanations as to why the play just shook a little.

Steph picked us up at the airport and drove is straight into the arms of my first love, Evanston Illinois. Not many people know this, but I applied to go to college at Northwestern. It's probably a good thing that they decided to accept me, because I would have stretched my college career out to last for 78 years because that campus and town are so goddamn perfect to me. It's very green with streets of old and expensive houses. It has a cute downtown with an American Apparel that I could have licked my way through the glass door. It's just perfect and safe, and I truly now want to become the mayor of it.

So on Thursday night we dined on the famous and best Giordano's pizza where I also drank a cup of ranch to go along with my salad. All exercise I had done in my 26 years of life was thrown out the window with one slice of pizza. I don't care. Give me my sin again.

Steph has the most adorable wood-floored apartment with two crazy animals running around it. They hump and they dump. But I had a nice sleep and was ready to hit this great state in the morning. Steph drove Brian and I into the city, where we swung by to pick-up the President of Ad Club, Melissa Williams, fresh and ready to take us to one heck of a brunch.

She suggested the Bongo room and boy was she correct. I parked my ass on a snakeskin -covered bench and ordered a delish-but-not-nutrish vanilla mocha. It came in a very tall and stylish glass, which immediately gave the restaurant bonus points. You guessed it, Brian had the mammoth breakfast burrito, and I had a perfect egg sandwich on a crossaint. Greatest way to start the day.

Then we immediatley went crazy. The tree of us had been researching paper shops and crafty-looking stores ever since we came out of our mother's wombs. Maybe even pre-womb. We had like a typed-up schedule and everything. We hit the streets and we hit them hard. Adorable they were and it was all I could do to not go completely bankrupt in every single place we went into. I'd say the highlights a long the way, on our day of shopping, were walking along and finding a dirty/nasty/AIDSy bra in the grass, Steph declaring her love of horses in every single store, and me catching Brian's evil eye from across the store whenever I would pick up a piece of merchandise requiring the spending of money.

That night, we went back to MELISSA'S PALACE where I enjoyed a sweet embrace from dear Gina. She is a doll and I secretly (but now publicly) want her to be my BFF. I guess we kind of are now, because I did sleep in her bed on Saturday night. But that's beside the point. We toned it done for a bit and Brian had to take some time to become manly again. Steph played bartender a little hard, while Meliss and I were drawn to the internet like we had magnets inside our chests.

PS, that magnet reference didn't make any sense.

We headed out to Tillis for a late dinner and were graced with the presence of HTML -whiz and all around great guy, Schrags. I think we were so hungry and delusional by the time the waiter came to take our order that we can eaten the entire Illinois supply of crunchy breadsticks. But hot dog, were they good. I went a little risky and totally ordered their spicy noodle dish. WHAT WAS I THINKING? Well, bless my soul if that wasn't the best feast that I have ever eaten in my life. I'm thinking about taking a separate trip back there next month, just so I can make love to those noodles.

After that we went to come bar where I felt like I was 35 and dressed to kill. I didn't last long there, but I knew I owed Brian some Dude time where didn't have to listen how cute the envelopes were that matched with the letterpressed cards.

Saturday morning had us up at the buttcrack of dawn. Dude, I was okay with this because when I am on vacation, I want to see everything and jam-pack my days. That's how JHALL rolls. So we packed it into Steph's car, this time including Jas-Face, and shot straight to the nearest Dunkin Doughnuts. It was here that I witnessed a miracle: STEPH TRIED TO TELL THE MAN IN THE SPEAKERBOX THAT SHE WANTED TO HAND-PICK ALL OF HER DOZEN DOUGHNUTS. Yes, she wanted to customize her doz. Unheard of, and frankly the man taking the order was pissed. Steph quickly grew to her senses and shouted at the doughnut man to "JUST YOU PICK THEM FOR ME!" It was classic and probably a story that I'll re-tell to my children when I'm in a wheelchair someday.

Now might be a fine time to discuss the Chicago weather. I don't think it really went higher than 50 degrees the entire time I was there. I know this, because I now have a raging color that is threatening to take over my gorgeous body. No, but really, the weather was actually perfect in my eyes. I love chilly weather and I was able to wear my trusty hoodie. It totally put me in the mood for fall to get here fast. I'm done with the tube tops. Bring on the sweaters and weight gain!

So Saturday morning, we were scheduled for a bike tour of downtown Chicago. I was a little leery, since they were not providing helments and for the fact that Melissa hadn't rode a bike in 18 years. But let me tell you, this was one of the best things I've ever done in my entire life. It was absolutely sensational. Totally recommending it to anyone and even purchased my first bike-related T-shirt. The tour took us on a nine-mile trip showing us downtown skyscrapers, Buckingham Fountain, Millennium Park, the Chicago River, assorted boat docks, Museum Campus, and a final view of Chicago that made me want to quit my job and move under a bridge to live in Chicago.

After I toned my thighs some more for Melissa, the gang all headed to Portillos for true, Chicago-style hotdogs. It was my first one and probably the only thing I will be eating for the rest of my life. Some Italian Beef sandwich may have also snuck into my mouth. I'm not sure.

Post-hot dogs, we made our way to the Hancock Tower Signature Room for a rest and a drink, 96 stories up in the air. I'm not going to lie...when I saw that they had closed the elevators temporarily while we were waiting in line, and a lady in a stretcher came down, holding an oxygen mask to her face, I kind of panicked HARD. But I did it. I went up and enjoyed an adult beverage in honor of that lady. Poured a little out on the carpet for her.

I could tell the troops were growing tired on me, but I forced us all to walk to the Chicago Renegade Craft Fair. Holy crap, did I die and go to heaven. All my life I've wanted to attended something that sparks creativity, that has everything artsy -fartsy that interests me, and stuff that I spend every day looking at the interest about. Do they have this stuff in Nebraska? No way in a firey hell. That's because people here are too concerned if the Nebraska quarterback blew his nose too hard.

So the craft fair was a delight for me. All of the vendors that I've seen online, and all of the emo-crafty people in one place. It was so wonderful to walk around the hundreds of tents and purchase things that people had made and put so much creativity into. I loved it all to pieces and I even purchased a letter-pressed post card that read, "CRAFTY MOTHERFUCKER". Mom would be so proud.

After the craft fair, we were all at near death and took a few naps at Melissa's place. We forced ourselves into the shower (but not all at once you dirty sickos). That Saturday night, we were headed Cafe BaBa ReeBa.
This was the place where dreams were made.

It's a very large Tapas restaurant where you order like 43 things off of the menu and then just gorge yourselves silly. We dined on Red Sangria, meat skewers, goat cheese, meatballs to die for, and hot green peppers that should have been taken off the menu.

Luckily I didn't have any toilet problems that night because the eyelids were heavy and we all went to bed so fast. Between Hot Noodles, and Spicy Beef, Chicago treated me well. In the morn, Meliss fixed us a kind of deluxe coffee where the water didn't even need to filter itself because it was already in the pot when she turned the machine on. Then she took us to the airport where Brian and I proceeded to sprint through at the speed of a small car in order to make our flight home. When I got in my seat on the plane, the oxygen mask dropped down because I needed medical attention after that 30 minute dead sprint.

But now we're home. I'm sick, made Brian get pizza for dinner, and also will not be taking a shower until we can make it to the grocery store because I left my shampoo and conditioner to Stephanie in Evanston. Grease wig, here I come.

You will notice that as of tonight, I am officially geekier and officially an owner of a Flickr Pro Account. I am smidge excited and will now release the pictures of a great Chicago weekend. Just click on the picture of me levitating:


Melissa's pictures are here.

A million thanks again to my two great friends. You guys basically made my year and I love you guys hard core.

9/13/2007

God. Only three more hours.

Until I can: hug these girls so hard and make more T-shirts with guns on them.

9/11/2007

I miss you, too. (also a life update.)

I swear to God, I cannot be sucked into one more episode of A&E's intervention.
I just watched one that I DVR'd and now I need to go to church and memorize the Bible.

So, it's September. Sorry I've been a little tardy in the blog department. I've been a busy bee and truth is, the trusty computer has been a little gay lately. Nevertheless, I'm back and I wanted to fill you in on the juice before I head to Chicago in a day to see my lovelies.

First, lets get to something important that's been on my mind:

MTV should be ashamed for promoting that VMA awards show as Britney's big comeback. That was pure shit. The top of her wig looked like that bad thing that happens when you are drying your hair and some of it gets sucked into the top part of the blowdryer and it starts smelling and burning and you basically just have to screw it and cut it out and deal. I also think she kind of forgot her outfit. Mainly, because she looked like I would have looked up there in a sequin bikini. Brian thought she was all drugged out and I just started crying because I wanted to see her do something insane like hump a monkey on fire. Whatever, I kind of am really interested in her, but kind of think maybe she's a few bricks shy of a load.

Well, I was going to go on and post all sorts of goodness included my Incubus concert with CLC, Mom's best birthday, Jazzin', Kristin and my new bro-unit, the best jeans ever hand-crafted in America, and how the 3 year old neighbor boy that I've babysat a couple of times told me last night that he "sometimes likes me" and "sometimes doesn't really like me".

Yes, I was going to blast you with a good, solid post, however my trusty Dell just decided to suck goat balls and refuse to let me click on anything without a 7 minute pause between actually doing what I clicked and me screaming until boobs fell off. I'm getting a Mac Daddy.

..More posting to come from our scary basement filled with spiders and Brian's working computer, at a later date.
In Installments. With love.