6/30/2004

Um, last night I couldn't tear myself away from the BET awards. Channel 25. Good God.
I think I watched it all from start to finish. Even the ten o'clock news report/after party show. And after all this, and because he opened the show,
I think my new favorite song is that Jesus one by Kayne West.
And if lovin' that song is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

I did nothing last night except partially fall asleep and feel like there were terrorists hiding throughout my house because I was all alone and scared. I did get my eyebrows done. And I bought these Navy bits of sweetness. I also packed a little bit for the Lou.

TONIGHT I am going to see Napoleon Dynamite and love it. But right now, I secretly think we are gonna get the magazine done a whole day early. This makes me want to wet my pants. So now, I'm gonna nuts and label things. That reminds me.. me and Brian were at a Gap Body store this weekend, in the undie section and I said something about how he was nuts, and he said you don't say the word nuts in an underwear store.

6/29/2004

Somebody kill me, my art director has gone retarded.
Or maybe she's lost her vision. And her brain?
Great. Helen Keller is doing my magazine.

I'm tired, I did too much ironing this morning before work. I ate my yogurt with a fork?
I can't find an insertion order. Somehow it got lost in the great sea of paper.
I washed my car last night with dad and Mr. Clean, but a bird pooped on it this morning.
I was even called a "Sales Associate" yesterday by someone at work who didn't know me.

Tonight I'm going to get my eyebrows waxed off, go to Hallmark to buy a memory box, and then on to Target. Then I'm going to read a lot tonight and watch
the best night of MTV television.

Oh yeah. I smushed a father spider this morning in the bathroom.
That's always something to wake up to.

6/28/2004

I love the way HE holds the mic and sways.
It makes me want to be a better person.

Yes. I'm listening to Starship's "We Built This City" on my iPod.
"My pony plays the mamba. Listen to the radio.."
Can life get any better.

This weekend was very cool. Except for realizing that I automatically fall asleep at 9:50pm, the days were pretty good. Brian was in town. On Friday night we met up with Jenny Beauchamp and Patty at the Lenexa BBQ cook-off 2004. Dude, it was huge. Like 500 tents that for $3.00, I could feed my face on. We spent a majority of the time at this one tent, of whom they knew a team member of "Double Barrel Rooster Shooters BBQ" or something of that nature. Good God the BBQ they made slid right down my throat. Not to mention an excellent corn dip. Corn. Haha. Yeah, there were some corn jokes passed around. There was also this cracked out guy who was, um, the main entertainment of the night. I think he had 3 teeth, a lot of beer, leather skin, a tank top, jean cut-offs, high-tops, and a second grade education. At one point in the night I looked and he was screaming "AAWWH MAIN (that's man in twang talk)" like two inches away from a single light bulb that hung on a wire at the entrance of the tent. Bugs were swarming around this loser/man, but he didn't care. He was having a conversation with the light bulb.

Saturday I slept in until noon when Brian awoke me from a deep slumber. We made our turkey sandwiches and decided to venture to Zona Rosa, that new mall town way way past Barry Road. It was sort of cool. Brian turned into my personal shopper slash confidence supplier at Express where I purchased two nice tops. I'm not gonna lie, the rest of the shops were um, not really there. It was sort of empty. Apparently all of the Barry Road people kept talking up Cold Stone Creamery and asking us if we had tried it. Dude. Town Center. That's old hat.

Saturday night we dined at Cheesecake, went home, started watching the movie "Thirteen", it made us feel bad, so we switched to Office Space. And of course, I fell asleep. So that's about it. One other highlight: Brian threatened to "prounce" on me on Saturday. He actually thought pounce was PROUNCE. God, he's so cute.

Tonight I'm ripping off my neck,
going for a walk around the block and then laying in my bed.

6/25/2004

God Blessid.
All I want to do is go to this blasted BBQ in Lenexa.
And Brian is preparing as if it were the Mr. America pageant.
Brian is every gay man's dream.

My most sincerest apologies for neglecting my buddy blog yesterday.
On the plus side, today I finally turned on my desk lamp for the first time this week.
Goodbye sunburn, hello face peel. Ah, joy and rapture.

Yesterday nothing cool really happened to me. Okay, wait, maybe some things.
I talked to a lady on the phone from Victoria's Secret and her name was Diamond.
Well, aren't her parents the sweetest people on Earth for naming her that. Then I went to the Post Office. I mailed off two packages. I loved doing that. It felt so exciting.
Even the behind the desk mail person-man had a sweet ear piercing.

Last night my dad got home from a business meeting. It was all week long, but look at this. He got to meet, Mr. Clean, a Reba impersonator, and Genevieve Gorder from TLC's Trading Spaces. Lucky. Lucky Man.

Brian also got here yesterday! That lit up my life. I hugged him and he smelled like a hotel the whole night. Today we went out to eat at Quizno's. Brian tackled a sandwich that was the size of the entire building. I opted for the dainty and ladylike flatbread wrap. Excellent choice, Jenn. I flashed (my badge) and received a healthy 10% off my entire meal! Bonus!

Um, I got summoned for JURY DUTY. Mysterious.

Tomorrow I am going to see Napoleon Dynamite at 10am. I'm going in my jammies.

Brian got me some new fab jeans at an outlet mall in TanTara.
Word limit. I'm out of things to say.

6/23/2004

And we always seem to need the help
Of someone else
To mend that shelf.
Too many books.

It's been a rather long day. I had a nice time at Patty O' Quiggs last night.
Insert shout out to Joshie and Scotty. You go boys.

My womanly parts hurt so bad.
I feel like they are holding the gymnastic championships in my uterus.

The body burn is getting better. I still can't turn on my little desk lamp.
It just hurts too bad.

Tonight I'm going to do these things:
- Purchase some nice cards from Hallmark to write letters on.
- Deposit large paycheck into the bank, while acquiring a free ice cream and grilling utensil from their promotion.
- Do a sick amount of laundry.
- Watch J. Simpson, A. Simpson, Queer Eye.
- Organize my desk area.
- Prepare for a massive mailing at the post office tomorrow.
- Read girlie book.
- Look forward to new license in the mail.
- Possibly go on a walk. No wait, my skin would burn.

6/22/2004

The following blog post is dedicated to #1 super A+ cool reader, Mike:

Today I'm Michael Jordan. I'm 23. I don't mean to be gay here, but it's the best day of the year, people. Usually, my birthday is stinky. When I was little, no one could come to my sprinkler party birthday parties because every person on the planet took their family vacation during the week of my own personal celebration. But for some reason, this birthday has been the best in the west. Seriously.

Friday, Brian came into town and we high-tailed it to Lawrence. Liz and Montie were back from Poland, I got to see Nick Cage, and Hoffman drove us to Quinton's his XXXXXL suburban with Simon and Garfunkel blaring at illegal levels. There are too many little whore, "i'll wear a belt for a skirt" girls at that place.
I just played it cool though, don't worry.

Saturday morn, we woke up, ate some lunch, and booked it over to the place that steals all of my money (Shawnee Mission Ford). Yes folks, my car has done it again. This time, when I drive, it sounds like a aircraft carrier is ready for launch in my backseat. Turns out it was a lousy brake problem that was insured at Midas because I got those puppies all fixed up less than a year ago. After dropping my car off, we went home to celebrate Dad's day. I bought him some extendable trimmers from Home Depot. I think they were a hit. I put a huge sign on them that read: "Dad, you're a cut above the rest."
God, it's really unfortunate how clever I really am.

After downing some of mom's pasties, we head back on up to Lawrence to see Dodgeball. What a movie. I loved it. It's gonna be a classic. My favorite part was when they opened the door to that gals apartment and it was decorated with nothing but UNICORN CRAP.
I think I broke a rib from chuckling so hard.

We also watched Along Came Polly this weekend. That pink rabbit head on a human leg thing that he knocks over in the art gallery really was hilarious.

Yesterday, me and Brian celebrated my birth. We went to Hy-vee to get some turkey and he bought me a dozen red roses. I love him. Then we went home and had some excellent sandwiches and those super-spicy Jalapeno chips. Then I had a brilliant idea. We should go to the pool. Sister Steph recommended one that rocked my face off. It had these slides that made you tremble in fear. Well, it was cloudy, I had on new swimsuit, we participated in the 2 o'clock swim, and I came back with CHRONIC SUNBURN.
Yeah it's bad. And you know what, I'm stupid.

After the pool, Brian took me to look at Jetta's and Passat's.
I don't think the salesman took me seriously because I was drooling on his shoe.

When we got home I opened presents from Bri-face. He got me two cards, one funny, one serious. I got a subscription to Spin Magazine, the book of my dreams, an iPod deal so I can play my iPod through my car stereo, and a best buy gift certificate. Isn't he great. I want to kiss him a million times.

After that lovely visit, we bathed in aloe vera, got all gussied up and went down to the Plaza for dinner. Might I mention that before entering the restaurant, we went inside Anthropologie. My new favorite store. Anyone wanted to go down there soon and shop till you drop with Jenn, please call and I will be more than happy to drive us to heaven.

We ate at Mi Consina. It was so good, really. Also had some bevies, courtesy of Victor, our Spanish waiter. He informed us that the basement turns into a dance club after 11pm. I mean, call that convient.
Victor sold us on the spicy sausage dish, and he could do it again, by God.

And that my friends, is pretty much history. This is the best birthday of my life.
Today my girls surprised me with more gifts. I love them with all the love in my heart.
We also went out to lunch for 37 hours. Oops.

Thank you to all, this is the day of my life and I am a happy camper.

6/17/2004

Well, this morning started out to be a doozy.

1.) I bought green grapes to pack lunches with.
Mom set them out in a bowl for the whole entire family to feast on.
2.) Someone ate one of the yogurts I bought, too.
When I find out who it was, I will break their arm.
3.) I got to work, opened another yogurt I had and it exploded all over my clothes.

But it's sort of getting better. Let's talk about Ashlee Simpson. I watched the show last night and it's a solid tie of her annoying the fart out of me and wanting to be a piece of lice in her hair so that I may see what she does every single minute of the day.
She's interesting, okay?

Work is going slower than a snail racing a turtle in a pit of tar. What?
Save me.

6/16/2004

So this day is going splendid.

My neck is feeling like about a B+ and at 5:00 I get to meet Mary Jo at the Olive Garden.

This morning, I picked up JC (JonesColeman) and we went to the DMV to get new licenses. The lady behind the first desk, right in the middle of the floor, was the first person we went to. Her chair was so low to the ground and her desk had these walls around it that were so high, you had to like look in and down. She had cokebottle glasses and her hair was pulled back in a bun so tight and slick to her head that it looked painted on. She also made a couple of "drivers license jokes" during my time with her.

Next, me and the JC got in line, where I accidentally supplied some written test answers. Accidentally.

Well, the JC couldn't get her license with her new married name because she didn't have a videotape of their wedding. I proceeded down the line to pay my money and shockingly discover that I still weigh 130 for the 7th year in a row!

Then it was game time. The picture snappage. I went in for the kill. Luckily, the sun was shining on my shoulder and I got a good one. Apparently, they don't give you the license right then and there. Now they mail it to you and instead, give you this receipt that has your new pic and signature. Well I got mine, looked at my signature and it looked like "Jennifer E. Kall". I got a little nervous that this didn't match my real name. So I asked her if I could sign again so I don't get locked up for identity theft, and she said sure. But she was all flustered and finally we got there and I re-signed and then she printed it out and I took a look. MAN. Now my license said "Jennifer (witch-like symbol) Hall."
I said to heck with that and I got on out of there.

Tonight's the premiere of Newlyweds, season 3 and the Ashlee Simpson Show.
Anyone else excited?
Nope, ok, didn't think so.

6/15/2004

I'm sorry I didn't blog yet today.
My neck really hurts.
Stupid Neck.

I think I know what I need. My current girlie book.
And maybe I'll fold some laundry.
Yes, I'm getting motivated...
Put some pictures in a book.

Tomorrow I have to wake up at an ungodly hour to get my license renewed.
There's a lot riding on this picture tomorrow,
since I am was fond of my old picture and I've got to deliver again.

As they say, the heat is on.

6/14/2004

Never lick a steak knife.

Well, this weekend was a quiet one. Friday I got to Omaha, me and Brian went on a nice walk around the neighborhood where every house is exactly alike.
We had to make it fast, because the pizza we ordered was on its way and Brian was constantly having a miniature freak-out that the pizza would arrive and we wouldn't be there. Then, we feasted. After this, we went to go see the third Harry Potter movie.
I don't know. I fell asleep and then I'd do that thing where you'd jerk up and awake real suddenly and everyone looks at you. Then I got real fidigity. And the human form of curly hair next to me probably thought I was nuts, but ask me if I care.

Saturday I think I might have woken up on the wrong side of the bed. But I got up and we sorta prepared ourselves for Poolside 2004, and then in like an instant, 15 tornados surrounded the state and it was blacker than pitch out side and rained harded than I'd ever seen it before. So we were stuck inside, trying to figure out which county we were in. Time out. Annie Lennox's Walking on Broken Glass is playing on my IPod. Time in.
So we just staying inside, listening to some weather lady on the TV that had the most worst voice in the history of life. Like she was half crying, half someone was consistently hitting her in the throat. Yeah.

Finally, we went to the cool Mall, got some delish chocomallchip cookies and had a heartfelt talk about controlling the decorating at the APT. Later that night, we rented Euro Trip and Miracle from Blockbuster. Brian also made a delicious Chinese meal.
He's really a wiz in that kitchen.

Then, I seriously went to bed at 9:05pm. I dreamed that I was walking through that final scene in Grease where they get their yearbooks and you, Courtney Campbell, were sitting on this stool, along with like 15 others on stools and you were all playing acoustic guitars in a circle.

Sunday we watched Micracle, Brian purchased a 50$ weber grill cover without blinking an eye, and we made our famous turkey sandwiches.

I think I'm going to make my new obsession, reading gay "girlie" books. You know.. those ones about fake relationships and shopping and great jobs and gossiping with friends.
I think i'm going to just do that.

6/12/2004

I'm in Omaha, we're like right in the middle of 15 tornados,
and it's times like these when I am so glad I have that
additional warranty from Best Buy for my iPod.

6/11/2004

oh my God. This is a day that should be celebrated by the world as a national day of thanks. Thanks for me eating the best and most tastiest buffalo chicken salad. Like, I can't open my mouth wide enough. I want to put on goggles and go in at it head first. Today is literally this greatest day of my life.

Today I'm going up to Omaha. Work is a little slow, but I am uber-organized.
I mean, give me a paper and I'll file it.

Oh my word. Now it's like my stomach is shaking its fist in the air and saying,
"You will rue the day.."

Jennifer Hall, prepare for skitters in about 2 -1/2 minutes.

6/10/2004

You know what the sweetest thing is? Blasting, and I mean freaking blasting Night Ranger's "Sister Christian" in my ear phones while entering in some insertion orders. God.
Give me liberty or give me Sister Christian.

It's pouring outside, I'm getting sick of Wheat Thins,
and I parked too close to the Jeep Cherokee in the next space.

So yesterday, me and partner-in-crime Stephanie Jonescoleman attempted to become idiot girls and rightfully published on a website. You'll notice I put a link up, over there on the left side. I'm neat. I thought I would share my idiot girl moment:

"This gem of a story took place right in the middle of high school. My parents had dragged me to one of my younger sister's out-of-town softball tournaments. After a long day of stupid games, we all decided to go down to the hotel pool for some enjoyment. And for some reason, because I was never very cool, I went down stairs in my one-piece NIKE Speedo. I'm in high school and I don't even have a bikini. This becomes important when you notice that the ENTIRE Florida State men's baseball team is also staying at the same hotel you are, and, of course, they are at the same hotel pool you are at. With your parents. So I quickly jump into the pool, because I don't want these dashing and tan guys to see my huge white thighs. And yeah, I didn't want them to see my lame Speedo either. So, I'm in the pool, trying to act very cool and that I am not there with my entire 6-person family. By this time, many of the guys have moved into this huge hot-tub that right on the other side of the swimming pool. I don't know why, but I thought, hey, I'd crawl in with them. All I needed to do was swing my leg over this little brick wall that separated the two pools and I was golden. But I had to do it fast because my thighs, if you remember, aren't something to write home about. So I swing the first leg over, hoping to make a quick pool transition. My foot goes over and into the hot tub, I'm straddling the little stone wall, and I realize that this hot tub is actually really freaking deep. So my foot that's making its way in, goes to meet the bottom, I rack myself, quickly bring the other foot over, which basically means I'm doing a face plant into the hot tub, full of searing hot bubbly water. My eyes start burning and as I try to resurface, all I see are these Florida State Baseball moms trying to help me and ask me if I'm okay.
Yeah, it wasn't my finest moment."

Yup that's me. As for tonight, I'm sadly looking forward to the MTV movie awards.
Last night me and mom went to Starbucks where we enjoyed Mochas and a teenager peeling through the Highland Plaza parking lot in a Mom-minivan and on an obviously
un-noticed exploded and shredded tire, causing the hubcap to smell like burning asphalt that sparked. It's OK, he had braces and cried when mom and I asked if he needed help.

Oh and I started a book yesterday. This is true. Yes, I am reading a book.
It's pretty sweet and I'm thinking about doing it regularly.
Boy, you got a prayer in Memphis.

6/09/2004

Well what is up.

Yesterday I had customer service training all day long, interrupted only by a very warm and mayonaisey BLT. Oh and some lady named after a Doobie Smack-Joint told the entire conference room about how she was tubing once and bouncing around on the tube, and she's re-inacting this, all bouncing and whatnot in her chair, and she goes on to bounce some more in this summer tube and she's bouncing and she looks down to see that her swim top has totally come off. But she kept tubing. Mind you, this woman has the body of that girl after she turns into a blueberry in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. She also later shouted out that, "Cats are for microwaves!"

So isn't this guy cool?


Last night I got stuff done, man. I also had my blood pressure taken by my sister Kristin. She just started the KU Nursing Program and she has a test tomorrow. So she's like practicing on me a couple of times and my arm is like THROBBING because she didn't exactly release the air until it was blue. And then Dad comes out into the kitchen and starts taking pictures of us. What? I seriously think he took an entire role.
With each sister. And so I made all these faces and then flexed my arm in the most supreme way possible whilst the blood pressure cuff was around my huge gun.
Dad also took a picture of me laying out my magazine at the kitchen table,
because I felt a little jealous of Kristin the picture hog.

Tonight me and Jenni B. are gonna eat and be cool together and stuff.
Then I think i'm going to speed walk uphill on the treadmill like I did yesterday.
Then maybe do some low-profile walking in the street.

6/07/2004

Well, folks, this weekend was the weekend of the Weber Grill.

Brian loves this grill more than life itself. Actually, I'm thinking he might love it more than his computer and the Deftones. That's pretty serious. The arrival of this grill prompted us to buy all-Weber grilling utensils, begin searching for a Weber cover, and yes, in case you were worried, he did purchase the official, hard-back Weber recipe book.
This is sick:

Yeah, so Brian was like petting it, he loved it so much.
Okay maybe no petting right now, but I'm sure that will come.

We grilled out every single night. Brats on Friday night after I finally got there. Brian even made our favorite hot appetizer. I'm talking from scratch, here. And if that isn't just the cutest thing on the planet, well, then I'll bop you one. Saturday night we had steaks and twice baked potatoes, and cold veggies. Thank you, Brian Weber for the delicious eats.
Most of the weekend we just hung out and loved each other. We watched movies, took a nice walk, both of us even simultaneously re-inacted Kristin's old gymnastic routine on the floor of his family room. Brian's really cool like that.

I also learned to play a really mean "Knife Party" on the acoustic guitar.
Yeah, people are gonna start calling me for gigs.

Doesn't he look like he's munching on a giant piece of doo-doo?

Sorry, sickos, it's leftover bratwurst.

6/05/2004

I just had to write.
I just woke up after having some sort of a dream:

Ok, apparently, me and Sister Laura were in some sort of a meadow, dressed in full Renaissance apparel, complete with shields and swords. We were in a group of like 300 of these medieval pairs. We were all training to fight and to, look like we were of the renaissance age. Then all of the sudden, our COACH, blows a whistle and tells us all to run to Cold Stone Creamery where he will buy us all something to eat. We all rush there and I remember him looking and the menu and cussing because everything was not healthy for his renaissance people. So he yelled at us all (hundreds) to try to pick something healthy and that he would approve of from the menu.
Apparently we had to stay in shape.

After me and Laura got our ice cream, we started wandering around the meadow that had suddenly turned into an abandoned strip mall. All the stores were empty and dark, except for this Michael Jordan apparel store. Everything was Michael Jordan, but the lights were out and it was deserted. So me and Laura, all alone started walking by all these empty windows. Then all of the sudden we were like walking up a ramp and we heard this LOUD blasting sound. Come to find out we were walking onto a huge airplane that apparently resembled a pickup truck, and didn't have a closing on the back end. We got so scared and started running to the front of the plane, because it was obviously taking off and we didn't want to die. So we were in this plane, it didn't have any seats, so we just clung to the carpet and grabbed the part where the carpet met the wall.
I hate taking off, so you can imagine the fear.

Finally, we land. And it's obvious that we had landed in Japan. We get off the plane, and immediately go to a gas station? We needed help. I thought I was in big trouble because I was supposed to ship my magazine out in a couple of days and me being in Japan would definitely not let that happen. So me and Laura go into the gas station, which was full of farmers, not Japanese people, and we just start saying GAS? Real stupidly so that they might understand us. Gas was the last of our problems. We needed help to get back home. Finally, this mom and dad couple were just leaving but decided to help us. They said they were just vacationing but we could call their brother who lived here. Right as we were getting his name and number written down, my Publisher called me and was so angry because I wouldn't be in America to do my job. Finally, he told me to get home as soon as I could, but that one of my saleslady's would be doing my job.

Then, suddenly, we heard our airplane taking off, so we ran fast to jump into the back and crawl to the front like we did before. We went back home, got off the plane, somehow my Publisher was there and I told him that I had to go back to Japan right away. So me and Laura boarded the plane and went back.

And that's it. While I was typing this Brian snuck out and got me my favorite Crane Coffee. It's gonna be a great weekend.

6/04/2004

Um.
This is what I feel like when I want to leave for Omaha
and I have to wait for my Art Director's blasted pages:


Bye the way, the Buffalo Salad rocked my face off.

Good God. Kel, I was thinking of you this morning,
when I wolfed down 4 platefuls of puppy chow.

Meanwhile, I'm been speaking with Kimdash, girl who is nuts:

Kim007230: yeah, I missed my connected flight to chicago on tues night,
and I had to stay at a ghetto ass hotel ALL ALONE on Tues night.
Kim007230: it was so dirty
BearGB22: oh my gosh kim!
Kim007230: I was in pittsburg...without LUGGAGE
Kim007230: they wouldn't give me my luggage...I had to sleep NAKED in a diseased bed
BearGB22: shut up
Kim007230: no...
Kim007230: all I had were the clothes on my back
BearGB22: why didn't you sleep in those!
Kim007230: I slept in my thong and bra.
Kim007230: I didn't want to get my nice clothes all diseased!!
I was still wearing a suit b/c we went straight to the airport
BearGB22: oh kimmy
BearGB22: you and your thongs
Kim007230: haha, I know... it is not good to wear a thong for more than 24 hours...
BearGB22: butt floss
Kim007230: no, it was more like a butt knife. it hurt.
BearGB22: AHAHAHAHAHAHA

More later dudes, it's Melissa's last day (sniff sniff)
so I am inhaling the Chili's Buffalo Chicken Salad in her honor.
God Bless America.

6/03/2004

Yes. This is awesome:

THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY --
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.
THE JAPANESE WOMEN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE,
SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID,
"WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTING A FAX."

Man that's so freakin' awesome. In other news.. today has been a little better for me.
I can see that light at the end of the tunnel.
Tomorrow has the potential to be a doozy, though.

*Warning!* *Warning!* Yesterday I purchased a new bikini.
Ok, here is where I was going to put in a picture of a really large marge in a bikini.
I typed in "fat and picture and bikini" into yahoo and i clicked on this link that supposedly would deliver, however, my screen enlarged to all sides of the computer,
i lost the taskbars, and my whole screen was being taken up by nasty X-rated pictures of God knows what.
I live with my family, people.

Then, after this delight, I tried to find some sort of exit. Next, all of the sudden,
all of these Norton Virus Alerts kept popping up telling me they have found
the Trojan Virus on my computer.
Finally, in an effort to get those boobies off my screen,
I just shut down the computer.
Man, stuff like that stinks.

6/02/2004

Today is h-e-double-hockey sticks.

First off, I've been here since 6:45am. I haven't even taken a lunch break yet. Why, you ask? Maybe it is because I have a canker-sore the size of basketball. That's right. I have a clear basketball growing off of my lower lip. It's sick and growing and I can't eat anything. If this thing pops, I'm going to be sopping wet. Time for some KANKA, courtesy of sister Laura. Applying this feels pouring hot lava into my lips.
Then my whole mouth goes numb and I drool and talk as if I were mildly retarded.

Also, my big mag ships on Friday, and I think I am encountering every single solitary problem that the good Lord can throw on me. This is when Jenn becomes seriously stressed, to the point of no return. I have been nonstop working and I feel like people just go by my cubicle opening and throw like a stack of papers and they flutter all over the ground and me and oh, probably give my lip a paper cut because it is hanging open as if I were a giant freakface.

Tomorrow I am coming in early. Even Friday. I'm supposed to go to Omaha on Friday.

Yesterday I went running for the first time since the birth of Christ. While in midst run,
I felt like there were all these robbers upstairs in my house since I was all alone.
But then Kelly came over and saved me while wearing her new, cute skirt,
which I will be purchasing today hopefully around 6:00pm.

Melissa, I watched a special last night on TV,
and I think you should consider body modification.

6/01/2004

I just got back from day two of Chipolte. We all thought we'd celebrate Melissa's final week by delivering a big brown treasure in assorted stalls on the fourth floor.
Let me tell you.
I decided to welcome myself to the world of HOT SAUCE. Yes, it is very orange,
but very tasty. I wouldn't drink a cup of it, but I enjoyed the way it mixed with the rice.
Please also note that I have added the Chipolte Link on the left of my blog.
In honor of this very day of God-awful stomach cramping and bloaty-gas, you should find this site of great value.

This weekend was like all up and down. On Thursday night me and Brian went to the Dashboard/Thrice concert with cute couple of the year, Jenn and Josh.
Here is a large picture of me (looking like a 14 year old boy or skeleton)
and Brian in the photo booth presented by Honda Civic:

The concert was wonderful. We were the only ones without braces, clever T-shirts,
or a curfew. But it was fun nonetheless. After the 'ol concert me and Brian accidentally went through the McDonald's Drive Thru for two extra value meals.

Friday, I worked with my eyeballs closed, went to the visitation, and feasted at the Cheesecake Factory. Brian even broke down and let us get some Oreo Cheesecake for the road. We went home. He ate it. I ate it. I said EAT MORE. He did, got sick,
and we got into a demanding-to-eat-cheesecake fight. I love him.
Saturday we went to the funeral in the early morning, saw Shrek 2 as a pick-me-up,
I had a delicious salad at On the Border, and I returned the dream shirt from Bananna in an effort to ease the pain that will come when I pay for my trannie later this week. That night I also had like the best time ever with pal Laura Marie and a few high school pop tarts from the good 'ol days.

Sunday we finally slept the heck in. We then drove to a guitar world which was
non-existent when we arrived. Boo. Then we went to the ever-popular Pottery Barn, enjoyed some Cold Stone Cream, and drove back home to begin the greatest thing that Brian has ever participated in his life: We cleaned my car. I'm talking hard core.
I'm talking he wiped everything down with cleaner, windexed the windows, I vacuumed and cleaned the crap from everywhere and sweated. Then after you could probably lick the car, we washed it using the new and totally awes Mr. Clean Auto Wash kit.
It's all so sweet.

After this, we rewarded ourselves with a nice time at Tomfoolerie's on the Plaza.
Fun times, plus a large boy-man continually riding the saddle seat at the bar. Bonus!

Sunday, I slept in like it was my job.
Me and Brian watched a couple of highlights off of Will Ferrell's SNL DVD.
If you don't own that, you are an idiot.

"All right. Staring contest. Me and You. Go.
You win. You always do.."