7/26/2007

My sister Laura answers the CALL OF THE WILD.

(she's a star. click here for the article.)

I'm so proud of her.

7/16/2007

God call me butter, cause I'm on a roll.

She's major.


Ah, did you guys catch the Victoria Beckham comes to America special? Holy cow. What a piece of gold. I am totally addicted to her. She is so interesting. The show is totally great and I'm hoping it's at least on a couple more weeks. Who cares about Becks? After she threw the first pitch of the Dodgers game, she totally said she thought she felt her silicons go under her armpits. Perfect.

So I've got the place to myself tonight and I'm thinking about sharing it with a cup of ice cream in about ten minutes. But first, allow me to share some of my lovely family with you.
As I said, Laura and the cutest mom on the planet came up for an overnight visit last week.


Laura almost wet her pants when she lugged the hugest suitcase our family owns out of the car.
They were staying for about 24 hours. Laura looks like a sad panda.

Really all we did was hit the shops. Mom went nuts. Like that money was burning a hole in her wallet.
First stop: COLDWATER CREEK

It was all I could do to not purchase that clearance sweater. I fought a gramma for it. She had the left sleeve, I had the right. We rolled around on the ground and she won in the end. But that sweater would have been so bad ass.

We then of course, had the best white mocha smoothie at Scooter's:


Then after shopping we had salads at Jams. After the tasty meal, Brian drove us girls through the rich neighborhoods of Omaha. We were all punchy and screaming out the windows and Brian grew 40 years older right before our eyes.


Then a little time was spent out on the best deck in Omaha.
Huge thanks to my twin sister, Laura. She made the trip possible and really made my life. She's always making me laugh, listening to me, and helping me out when I feel like all of my screws are loose. Kisses, Laura.



All in all, the visit really pumped me up. Really love the fam.


In an unrelated note, I will no longer be allowed to watch that "Coma" show on HBO for obvious reasons.

7/13/2007

Well, besides the fact that I saw a news video on how this little girl got her small intestines sucked out her butthole by a powerful pool drain, there is a lot of news to share with you, dear readers.

Let's start with the bird report. Everyone loves the birds.
Well, that very next week, I decided to go back to "the location", except this time fool those birds with my trickery by running on the opposite side of the street. In my mind, the other side of the street would also be known as "safety". So there I was, running, approaching the spot where I had the Christ scared out of me. I turned off my iPod shuffle, kind of paused. No birds around, so I thought I was smooth sailing. Then, because my life sucks, two birds come out of nowhere and flapping right by my ears and screeching bloody murder. I FREAK OUT. So, I take off running, my heart is beating out of my chest because I can't believe this is happening again. I am in a dead olympic sprint and these beasts are following me, hovering at eye level. They continue to sexually harass me all the way to the neighbors house right next door to mine. We're talking about a good 15 minute walk from the danger zone. I am crying, flapping my arms and legs like a freakshow, and thinking that when I run into the house, they are going to fly right in too, and I shall just be pecked to death, lying there all bloody, waiting for Brian to come home and find me before they will just peck him to death too and take over the house and start paying the mortgage and everything with their secret bird bank account.

But then right in my driveway, they turned and flew back and out of my life. And I cried a crapload and called my dad, who laughed and just suggested that I tape two tennis rackets to my hands when I run. Funny, Dad.

So, being the rational person I am, when Brian came home from work that day, I was going to sacrifice him as a lab test participant. Time to man up. I made him change into a white T-shirt and navy basketball shorts. Same as what I was running in on the day of the attacks. I gave him the shuffle and made him turn it on the song that I always begin my run with. Just in case that was a factor. And I told him he had to run. Until he was attacked. And because he is 100% awesome, he did it. And I stood out on my lawn and watched him until he was out of sight. And within 20 seconds of rounding that corner, he was back and running for his life because those darn birds were attacking him too. And I felt better because the world can now know that I wasn't over-reacting.
And now Brian knows what bird terror smells like.

I will also add here that when Brian's parents visited us this week from the STL, they also wanted to participate in having their lives flash before their eyes. The birds attacked them, too. More on their visit later.

So. Shit, me and Brian went to Vegas. Took a little vacay and discovered another part of what makes our United States so glorious. Brian plans one hell of a vacation, so we didn't miss a thing. He's Danny Tanner with the "Clipboard of Fun" when the Tanner's went to Disneyland.

We stayed at the Luxor. Met up with Joe who was randomly there celebrating his manhood and we also spent time with Jenny Scott who had the last minute opportunity to come to Vegas with her friend and professional gambling dad on an all-comped weekend. That's how we got to enjoy a free steak and seafood dinner that would have been worth more than my life.

It was hotter than sin there, and every single day I just woke up and thought how I could put together an outfit combination that would allow me to wear the least amount of clothes without blending in with the prostitutes. Speaking of, those spanish lads really got on my nerves flipping their little nude cards.
I mean, do I look like I'd enjoy a nice whore for the night? No.

I saw Nigel from ANTM and he called me babe and told me to have a good night and too bad I look like I'm going to eat him in the picture. We also saw the Beatles LOVE Cirque du Soilel show at the Mirage. I could watch that in a continuous loop for the remainder of my life. I loved it a lot. All in all, perfect amount of time in the strip and rather than show you certain pictures, I killed myself and uploaded them all for your pleasure.

Alright. My Dad gave away another daughter on June 30th.
Little Kristin got married to Jason. It was such a beautiful and perfect weekend. And it makes me all emotional.

We started the festivities off with getting our fingers and toes painted at the buttcrack of dawn. Laura has curly toe problems, so it was great to sit next to her and watch the first person to actually touch her toes in 21 years.


Later on that afternoon, my Chicago Aunt Kathy threw a ladies luncheon at The Bristol. She rented the linens, hired a florist, and is entirely responsible for gluing 60 pounds of cottage cheese to each one of my thighs.


Then I purchased the perfect gift and dashed home to get ready for the rehearsal and dinner.
I found my dress at Banana Republic, and minus the wet dog hair on my head, I thought I looked real nice.


Apparently the church was having an "Under the Sea" musical that night, so Kris has to practice her vows underneath a blow-up palm tree with nuts, but that only made it more special.
Here's a shot of my loves: Uncle Kenny, Gramcracker, and MOM.


I loved all of the family time because I'm pretty much obsessed with each family member, whether they live close by or not. I love all of the gushy speeches and I just love seeing my sister so happy as she handed me my first Coach product: a suave black wristlet. Look out boys! Jenny's taken a step up in the world of accessories.

Here's me fighting off the bunny ears. My cousin Mike's little lady didn't tire of that game for the entire 3 hour dinner. Perfect. Kind of made me want to have a baby.
But then I remember that it's like squeezing a basketball through a keyhole.


So then it was the big day. Brian and I spent the night at the DoubleTree Hotel and we woke up early so we could get coffee and he could drop me off at the hair place to get my hair did.


Then it was back to the church to dress up and put on all of the contraptions that make your gut and butt disappear. Here are the three blonde Hall sisters:

Pay no attention to the dead animal cascading down the side of my face.

So then the ceremony. I'm not going to lie, when I saw Kris walk through those church doors with my Dad, I started to cry. She looked like a vision. The service was just right. We had a sermon about Cher in Steel Magnolias and a reference to the internet from the minister, a smash broadway hit sung by a real live broadway singer for the solo, and Kris even totally rejected me when I tried to offer her a tissue right there up on the alter.

Instead of the trolley we were supposed to have, we somehow ended up with the red coach bus that usually takes the Nebraska football team to their games. Not really, but it felt like it.

Yeah, that's Brian. He ushed and he ushed HARD. He also doubled as a tuxedo model for the party and he's one of the only groomsmen that remembered to bring/wear underwear to the wedding.

Laura drove the bus:


All in all it was a nice day for Kristin and Jason. I'm so happy for them and excited for all that they will experience in their life together. Here are some pictures of them. Now, I didn't take a million because I was busy concerning myself with other sisterly duties. Like remembering to bring a plastic fork and knife so that Kristin could eat a sub without smearing her lipstick.

Before you glance at these pictures and wonder how I could be related to such a major babe, please know that Kristin eats lettuce and does sit-ups and I go on drives to the doughnut store. But yes. She is my sister.



They just returned from a honeymoon to Hawaii and now they are living in their apartment and trying to figure out things like where they can store the seven toasters they received without even having a closet.

Jeez, so then I had like a day to recover before it's suddenly the 4th of July and I'm 42 years old.
So, Brian's parents came in and we had the best time. Tried some new restaurants and some old standbys.
Went shopping with Mrs. Scott and dominated the family-in-law with a different board game each night.

It was a quiet and nice visit. Good and relaxing which is just what I needed.

We took them to this outdoor safari, Omaha-style, one afternoon. I just love the drive. So barren and nature up close.




Oh my God, so does life ever slow down? I'll tell you what. With the exception of the Incubus concert next weekend where I will make sweet sweet love to Brandon Boyd on stage, I will be doing jack for the next couple of months. Until my trip to Chicago to see my paper-obsessed lovelies.

This post better garner some comments people. Next up, we need to cover how I ate Greek Food a few days ago and tore up my digestive track, hard rocking in our basement studio with Brian and Joe, and also how my sweet mother and sister came for a visit yesterday. And also how I have a picture of my littlest sister and her construction paper silhouette of an alien with multiple sclerosis.