4/30/2004

I just accidentally dropped my iPod on the floor.
And it got dented.
And it's like a dent in my heart.
I am buying a gay case this weekend. Do you hear me?
Now I will go wallow in the pits of despair.

4/29/2004

say hello to the rug's topography
it holds quite a lot of interest with your face down on it
say hello to the shrinking in your head
you can't see it but you know it's
there so don't neglect it

i'm taking her home with me all dressed in white
she's got everything I need pharmacy keys
she's falling hard for me I can see it in her eyes
she acts just like a nurse with all the other guys

say hello to all the apples on the ground
they were once in your eyes
but you sneezed them out while sleeping
say hello to everything you've left behind
it's even more a part of your life now
that you can't touch it

i'm taking her home with me all dressed in white
she's got everything I need some pills and a little cup
she's falling hard for me I can see it in her eyes
she acts just like a nurse with all the other guys

--failure, "the nurse who loved me" (a beautiful noise)

Yeah. Yesterday rocked my face off.

Drove straight from work to Ab and Jenn's apt. We loaded up for the Royals game and um, drove to Nill Bros. Sports? TO BUY THE SWEETEST RETRO ROYALS JERSEY SHIRTS EVER. Man, they're polyester, v-necked, tight, and sweet ass. So we're making a scene trying these things on in the middle of the store. Then we go up to purchase, and I have the brilliant idea of putting our name and number on the back. Cause they do it for like 5 cents a letter. So we're all freaking out, go back to the car to run to wal-mart to get cheap white and tight man-t's for underneath. We change in wal-mart's bathroom which had like poo poo all over the walls, and we 3 came out looking like our mom had dressed us in white and denim for a freaking family photo.

Well, we picked up our jerseys and with the car running, we all got out, put them on, and headed for Kaufman Stadium and the world. We had some road dogs, got there,
met up with Tyler and Brady and (Jalapena) Lars. We went in. Everyone was checking out our bomb jerseys. They allowed us to meet a lot of people: a dude with a beard of pubic hair, some MU losers, Abercrombie worshipers, and even a drunk homeless man wandering the parking lot. Oh yeah, and we befriended all of the "sisters" behind the food and beverage counter. We basically hung out there. Funny, I didn't even watch much of the game. But we sure did scream "What Would David DeJesus Do? WWDDJD!" when that player came up to bat. Let's just say we all had more than enough souvenir cups to take home.

God and then on the way home we made a very necessary run for the border.
I got into my purse this morning and there was like a red waterfall of mild sauce crusting down the front of my purse. That's so awesome.

I'm hurting this morning. Real bad. And I almost, ALMOST had a severe wonky eye.
But I fought it off with a stick. So this morning was rough. However, it's nothing that a Silver Spoon egg/cheese/bacon biscuit and Dr. Pepper and large dump couldn't fix.
Man, I love life.

4/28/2004

I'm listening to Styx's Come Sail Away on full F'ing blast.
I've already cried twice in my cube today. Let's just say I was never blessed with the skills of a multitasker. Another thing is that people who have permanent bad attitudes
make me want to karate chop their face. I came in early today..at 7:00am. Great. Metallica's "Enter Sandman" just came on the iPod. I wonder if Primedia would mind if I did a standing jump onto my desk area, whipped out a supreme air guitar, proceeded to rock back and forth, taking everybody to never-never land.

Last night I saw 13 going on 30. What a great flick. I want a little Mark Ruffalo in my pocket. And I could whip him out so he can do a little tapdance on all these blasted ads.
Tonight I'm going to the Royals game.

Ah, I need something to cheer me up. Maybe a little whang will do:

It's like he's saying, "Go Jenn, Go!"

4/26/2004

Things I have discovered today:
-Rye Bread: Eww. Maybe not necessarily my thing.
-Ok, I like a good power ballad every now and then.
-"Family Guy" gives me the exact opposite feeling as rye bread.

Tonight: Conquer the mall for shoes and a nice top.
Tomorrow: Purchase the sweet, sweet "Love Actually" movie.

4/25/2004

What is up.
I'm home. This weekend was sorta rough on the 'ol bod. I think somehow I got sicker. But, have no fear, I'm a-ok now. Friday, I had a trip to Bakers, x-plosive poo,
and homemade chicken tender salad, all in that order. I felt horrid. I've been sleeping like a rock this weekend. Saturday, it rained. I have never seen it rain in a place for so long, so constant, and so hard. We boated over to the local Omaha Mall. I bought a pair of hot new black pointy shoes that you should be very jealous of.
I also bought a Mt. Dew out of the vending machine.

Oh yeah, I also picked out my engagement ring.
Done, decided, that's the one it's gonna be.

Saturday night me and Brian went to a really fancy restaurant called Charlston's. Wow.
It knocked my socks off. The most amazing spin-art dip I've ever poured down my throat. Wine, tasty side salads, honey-covered flaky crossants, a filet mignon, and garlic mashed tators. But I started feeling sort of crumby, so we rented "Honey" and went home.
And I basically fell asleep as soon as Brian pressed the play button.

So I fell asleep hard core. Then all the sudden I wake up because Brian is telling me that we have been sleeping for too long and we really do need to get up. I look at the clock and it's 2:46 am. I told him that and he said he was really confused and rolled over.
Then about ten minutes later, Brian sits up and asks me what my revenue price for Marlboro packs was. I was like "Brian, do you know who this is? It's Jenn." He says,
"I know, I just need to know your rates per pack and also for cartons." And I was all, "Brian! It's Jenn! What are you saying?" And he replied, "Jenn, I know I just need to know the rates for Marlboros." And then he rolled over again fell asleep.

In the morning, when all was normal again, we watched Honey, made some sandwiches, went to Best Buy. Brian bought a second helping of Family Guy and I bought the Emery CD. It's pretty cool. Yeah.

Tomorrow I'm gonna start on my way to becoming a brown berry.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel like I need to sleep for a couple of years.
Maybe because I need to gear up for wedding weekend 2004. It's in five days, son.

4/22/2004

Ah, I think I got bitten on the forehead in mid-sleep last night by a black mamba.

Well a lot has happened in the last day. Not really a lot, per say. But good things.
So after sort of a crumby day yesterday, dear pal Melissa took me to Limited where we proceeded to go on a shopping rampage. Yes a rampage. I got two pairs of nicer capris that I can wear to work. One is black and one is khaki, yo. Then, I got this halter top deal that ties around the neck and the back is open and Brian will love it.
And I will be the lass of the land.
Also, I got the loveliest little white hippy skirt.
It's gonna be so cool with tan legs and flip flops and long blonde hair. I can smell it now.

Then I got the invitation of the year to go down to Kona Grill on le Plaza with Kel and some nurses. We were participants in happy hour and then sat down for some Sushi. Yes. I was a first-timer when it came to this raw delicacy. I mean you didn't look at it, talk about it, or cut it up. You grabbed it, dipped it, and shoved the entire deal into your sweet little mouth. And I must admit, it was strange. I'm not saying I'd eat it once an hour, every hour, for the rest of my entire life, but damn I loved those Atlantic Eel ones. You heard me. The 7 & 7's were good too, thank you.

I have no voice. Really. It's kind of cool though. Ok, wait, no it's not.

I'm also thankful that a new band has entered my life, thanks to Mike Smack-off.
The name's Muse. They are pretty sweet ass.
I bought their cd on Tuesday, while Kelly purchased the um, Hanson cd.
But do not laugh at her. Because "Penny and Me" is the anthem of the summer.

Tomorrow I'll be going to Omaha to visit a little guy I like to call "Sha-Theed."

4/21/2004

Today will be a bad day. When the alarm went off it was like waking me out of the deepest slumber in all of mankind. Then I learned that maybe Sheridan's doesn't 100% agree with my body the next morning. I learned this about 5 times.
Then, look at what I'm wearing today. For crying out loud.
Work will eat me alive today, this is for sure.
Please, someone make it better.

4/19/2004

Ok. It's official. I found my weakness: Insanely Pointed Pumps.

4/18/2004

Well, this weekend was simply wonderful. On Thursday, I went to see A Perfect Circle at Municipal Auditorium. We got tickets in the pit. Me and Brian took Friday off, so yeah, that's sweet. This concert was phenomenal. Seriously. I will beat up anyone who doesn't like Maynard. He has the most talented voice, not to mention, most full head of hair. Last time we saw Maynard, he was shaved bald, dressed in some police uniform, rotating on this white, lit-up circle. The drummer was playing with a broken leg, the guitarist was from Smashing Pumpkins and the bassist from Marilyn Manson. I would have to say the highlight of the show was when Maynard said we were so much better than Texas, that we deserved a treat. So little Smashing Pumpkin man plays a nifty little guitar solo, starts doing the robot, a spotlight goes to center stage, and this HUGE muscle man in a little, and I mean little, red speedo, comes out and starts flexing for the world to see.
Maynard also said he had Zarda BBQ and wouldn't poo for a week.

Well, Saturday, after I woke up on sister Stephanie's bed (which feels like the equivalent of sleeping on a sidewalk), me and Brian watched the finale of The Apprentice. You bet your ass Bill won. Then, me and Brian got some Mr. Goodcents. It was only about 98 degrees (the temperature, not the band) in the restaurant, so guess what, we ate our lunch in the van. And, apparently, I forgot to pay for the Goodcents.. I mean, we were at the register.. and there was the heat issue, a massive coupon deal, combo meals, my punch card...I mean, I started walking away, and the dude, was like.. "Um, you have to pay for the sandwiches. I'd love to give them to you for free, but you have to pay for the sandwiches." So, I was embarrassed, Brian cracked up, and we ate IN THE VAN. Alright?

Then we vanned it on up to Best Buy. Me and Brian bought webcams! So we drove home and proceeded to set-up what I would like to call, the sweetest computer station on the planet. I mean, new computer, iPod and dock, webcam, speaker system. I organized and fixed up my iTunes, Brian customized my desktop and did a bunch of gay computer functions, and then I began to clean out of my mind. Sweet mother, I cleaned my entire room. So if any of you would love to visit me this week, you will be guaranteed to witness greatness. Kel, I even put away the dusty, aged Dr. Pepper.

Oh, we also saw Kill Bill 2 and it rocked my face off.

Friday night, me and Brian drove on up to Lawrence. The night was a blogger's dream: a long walk to Mass Street with many road dogs, a 15 minute tour of the Funeral Home that Justin lives in/works in, Last Call, Party Bus with a blow-your-brains-out speaker system, stolen bevies, Johnny's, seeing Huskies, a fight with some loser at Sig Epp, a godsend from Pizza Shuttle, and a long walk home.

Saturday, me and Brian ate at the blessid Jeffersons, walked Mass, and saw the famous "Sockman". I purchased a beautiful new tapestry from Urban, to which, me and Brian drove home and to the office to hang up. I shall be the envy of all.

Saturday night after steaks with the fam, me and Brian went to O'Dowds on the Plaza for Jenny's birthday. It was way crowded with a long-haired-muscle shirt wearing-Goo Goo Doll-guitar player-man. And he was like humping his guitar.

Sunday morning was Church and praising the Lord. Me and Brian started "House of Sand and Fog" however, it wasn't all that and a bag of chips, so we stopped watching it. Then Brian drove home, I was sad, and "The Prince and Me" really blew.
Yeah. Even the lawn-mower 20 minute racing scene.

This week, I've got to kick some tail in the office.

4/15/2004

So Dell finally, um emails me today? They're "following up" because my problem was never solved when I called tech support 14 days ago? Um, that beep boob bee poo speaking man was supposed to call me back the following day. THE FOLLOWING DAY. But he didn't. So I called back and got tossed around tech support and my call was lost and then disconnected and there were too many menus and I was ANGRY. So now this is an email from the bee boo bee poop guy's, manager. She wants to resolve my issue?
Why didn't you resolve it 14 day's ago, you slackjaw. How do I answer her?
And is it okay to say the guy talks like this: bee poop beeee boob boop?

So tonight me and Brian are going to see A Perfect Circle in concert.
And then I don't have to work tomorrow. And I basically have all of my ad material in.
And me and Brian are buying web cams. Which means ladies and germs, that I am one happy pap and that aliens have invaded my body because I don't usually say, "happy pap".



Last night I was pissed because it got to be 10:30pm and me and daddy-o still hadn't done my taxes, people. So we did them and it took forever. And Dad tried to teach me life lessons along the way. And then I had to file them on the phone. And pay.
And then I was ticked. And then me and Dad started laughing because it asked me if I would consider donating my money to the Chickadee Animal Preservation Fund.
Yeah, I'll donate.. right after I grow a third nipple.

Oh. Jenny just got a "Happy Eastern" e-card. Something in this world is right.

4/14/2004

Bless you Silver Spoon BLT, bless you.

Sandstorm's playing on my ipod now. That can pump you up to do anything. Mow the lawn, exercise, clean, or say, balance your checkbook. I think if I could have one song playing entirely throughout the soundtrack of my life, it would be this one. What if I had my own show about my life and it was playing in the opening credits. And on the screen it said who the Executive Producer was and the Key Grip were and there I would be, running on a treadmill or eating a sandwich, with Sandstorm playing.

Dear Lord it seems I have gone off the deep end.

Well this morning started out with an oil change at Jiffy Lube and water in a waterbottle that tasted soapy. They didn't get me on that extra oil change ploys. The dude brought out my air filter, which was a titch bit black, and said it looked "pretty dirty" and that I should seriously consider replacing it. Well by God, I hope it's a little dirty.
That would mean it's actually doing some filtering, ass clown.

Rewind to last night. Me and Court watched Six Feet Under. First episode. So after that one, my mind was all dark and I went to bed. Then at 5:02 am, like all the luggage and backpacks and suitcases I own fell from their shelf inside my closet.
It scared the wits out of me. So yeah, not a lot of sleep there.

Can I tell you how excited I am for The Bachelor tonight? Jesse Palmer is so cute
that I want to eat him with a spoon. Or put him in my pocket. And blast off like a rocket.

4/13/2004

I figured what you needed in your life was a large and life-size picture of me and Brian.
And so I deliver. Boy do I deliver.

I had a real nice Easter in the Lou. A couple things I did were: try on a $79,000 engagement ring from Tiffany's, had the cutest/most scrumptious meal at Jenny Scott's home, bought a new comforter cover, had some G&T's, and saw the arch from the airplane window.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Lately, I want to organize my pants off. Both in my room and in the office. I'm such a freak. Tomorrow I think I'll get my oil changed and then I think I'll go poke my eyes out because this blog post is so boring.

One hour of work to go. Sweet mother of mercy.

4/09/2004

So, I'm flying the big brown bird to the Lou tonight. I'm a little leery, however, with my ipod tightly taped to my head, I'm sure it will all go smoothly.
Last night, Kel pretended to be Asian and painted my fingernails.
She said they smelled like cheese.
We like basically set up a makeshift nail salon in my room. She did a stand-up job.

I also went on a long run yesterday, followed by 2 long walks. Which, when I woke up this morning....well....let's just say, don't ask me to do any high knees. And I feel like someone is taking an aluminum baseball bat and hitting a grandslam into my kneecaps.

And oh, joy, I just had Winsteads with the girls. My double chee was rather cold and cafeteria-ish, but this chocolate shake feels like I just won the lottery. And when we were driving home, we saw about four young dudes dragging these 8 foot wooden crosses over their shoulders, up Metcalf. They also had little Bible Preachers.
Hello.. it's Good Friday, people.

I just heard something funny:
Jenny H: "I wish they would let us leave early, cause I'd hit the road, Jack."
Stephen: "I'd hit the bottle of Jack."

Ok, well, I'm getting really nervous. I wish I had a dart in my neck, like in Old School..

4/08/2004

Ok, so today is kind of a cool day. Actually, the best April 8th I've probably ever had. It started out in the morn, where I came to work and got a Ticketmaster e-mail saying that the Pat McGee Band will be playing in Lawrence at the end of this month. This is way good. But then, I also took note that ELECTRIC SIX will be playing at the Bottleneck at the beginning of May. You can bet your bippy that I will be there with bells on my heels.

Then, I lunched with Court Campbell. We had ate at America's Favorite Neighborhood Bar & Grill. I was all pumped to enjoy the ever most tasty Oriental Chicken Salad. Waiter lady brought it out, even with an extra dish of dressing, because Lord knows they never give you enough. And so.. here I am, absolutely dousing this salad with the cup 'o dressing that she had provided. Small problemo. This time..the salad was already soaking with the dressing. No need for the extra cup, which, I had just added on top.
So basically, I was spooning salad dressing soup into my mouth.

Then, I also received my very late 90 day review from my manager. Man. I'm not floating through the office.. I'm doing the Michael Jackson moonwalk. I feel so good, so recognized, and so appreciated. There were all these paragraphs of kind compliments.
I felt like I was back in elementary school getting an S+ or two.

So, I'm pretty much done here. I'm gonna go home and have a really nice run outside, pack, and become a Senior Executive Professional TV Watcher.

4/07/2004

I do believe I might have carpal tunnel syndrome in my right wrist. Apparently, because I have become the tech-matrix electronical computer dominator. I've been burning CD's, setting up my new Dell, and drum roll please....reveling in the glory of my ipod.

Ah! I just gleeked. I'd like to give a shout-out to CLC, for being the best Christmas present under my tree. Yesterday, she help me set up iTunes, organize all of my mp3 collection, and messing with all those janky wires. Oh, we also made a trip to um, "Microcenter", where I bought a sweet little dock for my iPod. Now it can charge AND sit nicely and decoratively on my desk. Duh. And.. we were checked out at the register by a "Patrick Drinkwine". That was his full name. And they don't lie at the Microcenter.

So, tonight it's Kris's birthday. That means cake. Then, the ultimate TV lineup begins. We have The Bachelor, Swan, the mullet Queer Eye episode I missed from yesterday, and MTV's Made. I swear, there aren't enough VCR's in my house for all of this quality. I'll have them going full blast. Speaking of which, last night, "that's when I realized...that... that Franky was a cutter." Oh come on. That's not funny.

Today my morning whea thins didn't really excite me. I get to these days, where just all of a sudden, that wheaty-goodness has worn off. But fear not, I'll just pass on the wheat-treats for a few days and in no time I'll be back to loving the dickens outta them.

4/06/2004

Bam. Jenn is the master impositioner. That's "laying out magazines" for all you homos.
I forgot to mention that the other day, PJ Day that is, Sonja (65 years our senior)
saw a fellow co-worker wearing purple, Grateful Dead Bear slippers.
So she turned to me and yelled, "Somebody! Light up the roaches!"

Ooh yeah, and one of the Group Managers also told some of us
that she sleeps in her birthday suit. Sick.

I'm getting my eyebrows waxed off today and there's nothing
like a good waxing on a Tuesday afternoon.

4/05/2004

I'm sipping on a Diet Sprite and it tastes like I am sucking the juice out of a Wet Swiffer. Nasty. I didn't feel so hot last night and this morning. I've woken up real confused lately and I've had two dreams where I am playing professional volleyball.

This weekend was cool. On Friday night after crusing into Omaha, me and Brian went to Old Chicago to meet some fellow PMUSA people. What a good time. Brian scored a free gas grill, I met some cookey girl who had Jim Belushi in her "Top Five", and me and Brian witnessed the dominance of Ashley Lynn's Tanning Center. Actually it's more of an empire. She has many commercials I watch on Brian's TV, about 28 locations, and we couldn't find a parking space at Old Chicago because too many ladies were tanning.
And it's like 9 levels. It's a dynasty, really.

Ewww. Someone just farted in another cube and it's wafting over into my personal space.
Saturday, me and Brian went down to the Old Market. Shops, bars, eateries.. I bought some pretty sweet things. Brian would just say it's junk, but for about 13 bucks, I got a couple of small treasures. We ate lunch at Upstream Brewery, made a quick stop to the ghetto mall, where I scored another Gap laying Tee. Oh, and going into Old Navy, I tried to open the car door wider, using the hand that was holding my coffee. Bad idea.
It was windy and the coffee was all over my arm. Allll over...

Then we took a tiny nap when we got home.
I was sleepy but Brian kept singing, picture this:
"Broken glass, everywhere.
Homies gonna steal my underwear..
Can't nobody hold me down,
Oh no. I've got to keep on movin'.."
Yes ladies, he is quite the catch.

And so that's basically all that's up. Oh, we also went to Blockbuster on Saturday night. The line was SO LONG that they had some chick yelling out movie trivia. Well, to make a long story short, I earned me and Brian 6 pixie sticks and two laughy taffys.
I also learned from the nice young man at the counter that I was a "solid renter".

I miss you Curt Cobain.

4/02/2004

30 minutes until Omaha. I'm really excited to give Brian a hug.

This morning was wear jams/pancake breakfast/free pop friday.
I ate pancakes, bacon, and a sausage disc. Six hours later, I'm fighting the sausage disc.

Today I scored a 90% on the sexual harassment test that the company is requiring all employees to take. Apparently, racial slurs do not make the workplace, sexually hostile.

Ah, last night me and kel went on a walk. We also listened to our anthem: "Everybody in the Club Getting Tipsy". Then we enjoyed a tasty sub made for us by the beotch from Goodcents. And then we had oreos. And then we had underwear on our head:





You have to admit, we are pretty sweet ass.

4/01/2004

Stick a fork in me, I'm done. These last two days have been the bane of my existence.
In addition to about 5 hours of Dell technical phone support, my room is covered with wires, networks, computer pieces. What a load of crap. This is what my room looks like:

See, that's me in the chair, on the phone with some moron from Dell.

Moving on, I seem to work in crazy land. I was ALL FINISHED with my May issue yesterday morning. You don't understand. This never happens. I worked and orgaznied so hard to make this an easy ship. And then I get a call. They want to fit another 1/3 Vertical into the magazine. This is no small feat. I ship tomorrow. Anyway, to skip all the mumbo jumbo, my Publisher is in Germany along with the Salesman I need to talk to... so I can't get any approval or insertion order. Serious people are calling me. I'm losing it.
I don't even have materials. Everything has gone gay.

So, at the end of Wednesday, I get an email from the client entitled "The Latest Poop". I'm being serious here. He goes on to say he won't be able to get me the material until this morning. Ship day. Hello. Then, he signs his e-mail: "The Garthster" with some freaking parenthesis, colon, bracket winky smiley face with raised eyebrows thing.

So, today I get about two more pounds of e-mails concerning this. Along with those precious ad materials. I open the proof up and here's what the ad looks like:
It's orange with a picture of a long, and round-at-the-end microphone. What does it say you ask?
"Take it home.
Plug it in.
Try it out.
Prepare to change your underwear."

For Christ's sake. Now, not only do I have a late ad, but I apparently have an inappropriate, late ad. Now the office is all abuzz because we don't know
if it's tasteful enough to run. Someone kill me.

Kill me because in the cube next to me, the girl who celebrates every single holiday 100%, just began using a screensaver that displays cute and flowery spring images,
while blasting the sounds of a heavily-populated rainforest through her speakers.
And if I close my eyes, I feel like I'm in a field with tall grass with every animal known to mankind running around me.

Me and Court went to Starbucks last night and also to see the movie
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It was brilliant.
Basically I felt like I was on drugs while viewing, but it was artful nonetheless:
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned.
-- Alexander Pope

And so tonight I will pack for a much-needed Omaha visit. I'm also gonna go on a walk/run/alright we'll walk, with Kelly tonight. And the Apprentice is on. Holla...