3/30/2004

Man. I am like a locomotive at work.

So, last night me and procho, on a whim, went to Best Buy to purchase a cable that would do wondrous things to my computer like transfer my mp3's and pictures.
So we finally track one down that will work and head to le check-out line, aka freaksville, or so we were to find out.

So we're getting in line. The lines are long. We are making our way through the crowd, trying to decide which line will be fastest.. you know.. evaluating. And then, this short Arabian-looking man with big and wide eyes, suddenly comes alive in one of the isles and very seriously says, "This is the line for Aerosmith tickets". And I was like, "What? Really?" And then I suddenly received a brain and realized he was joking, and me and Kelly start laughing. But the thing was, I looked back over at him and he kept rolling his eyes really hard and looking very nervous slash annoyed. Like almost instantly pissed. So me and Kel get in line, quite far away from this man/alien, and suddenly he starts yelling, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry ma'am. That was not funny. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." And we were all okay, so we just said, dude, don't worry about it. Then, before I know it, he's right behind me and next in line to pay after I am paying. I notice this, because he got really close to me and leans over the counter and with really huge serial killer eyes, says, "Feel free to seek mental help if you need to". And Kel like starts laughing and the cashier is like what the f, and I am just stunned. His look was like "I am 100% serious and I want to set this store into a fiery blaze." Me and Kel bolted to the car and sorta freaked out.

So after some starbucks and oreos and the "what is happening to my hands!!" inferno episode, I began work on my computers. Man, that blows. I networked them, but still can't seem to master the art of networking. I just mastered the art of anger.

And so I couldn't sleep after I finally gave up on ye ol' computer. All I kept dreaming of was the little foreign best buy man, who was in my closet, then rummaging around the kitchen, then coming out of my bathroom, then standing at the foot of my bed, then setting my house on fire, requiring me to contemplate possible methods for escaping.

3/29/2004

oooohh. Slicing your fingertip very deep and down and open is no picnic.
I curse you, office supplies!

Today I am going to do these things:
-mail off my computer rebate
-install my ipod
-run on that blasted treadmill
-maybe watch Adam Mesh
-do an illegal amount of laundry

3/28/2004

Man. Laura and her boy pal, Brooks just brought me a chocolate malt. Dammnit, now I have to eat it. This weekend wouldn't have made the top ten, however, it did have its highlights. On Friday, me and Kel apparently consumed a family-sized pizza hut pizza meal. We watched KU and Court came over. We all proceeded to make puppy chow and watch the new Dave Chapelle Show DVD I purchased. You've got great New York boobs.
Here's me and Kel normally:


Then we started getting all punchy and gay and we had drank the entire liter of
Dr. Pepper and we thought we'd take a picture of us picking our nose and eating it.
Great:


Saturday, I received a gift from the sweet heavens above: 2 pairs of long and lean jeans that fit at Gap. The opportunity to buy them was an honor. Also 3 new layering T's were suddenly dropped into my bag. Oh, no. Wait. I bought them too.

At night, I went with Jenni B. to the Elephant Bar.
Which is fitting, because I am an elephant and I eat out of a trough. Wait...wrong again.

Ok, so all I did this weekend was listen to rain and watch high school dance competitions on the Metro Sports channel. I'm such a winner.

3/26/2004

I like to give two shout-outs:
1.) To Claritin D, for making my eyes completely white.
2.) To Beyonce, for making that "naughty girl" song.

I have a little morning ritual. Every single day, and I want to write about it.
Okay, I usually wake up to the alarm at 6:30am. It's set on a country station, and you all know I despise country. I don't even know why it's set on that, so get off my back, ok?

Then, as a little treat for myself, I usually let myself sleep until exactly 6:36am.
So, essentially, I'm sleeping with one eye open, because I have never used the snooze button in my life. This is no lie.

From this point, I actually tumble out of bed, all out of balance and what not. I turn on a light, which is like a punishment to my eyeballs. I make my way into the bathroom and start the shower. By the way, I have already taken a shower the night before, in an effort to gain some extra shut eye. So, this shower is going merely for the purpose of me, not even in the shower, bending over the tub and sticking my head in the stream of water to get my hair soaking wet. Now it won't be all curly and nappy, fools.

Oh, so I'm doing this shower-outside-the-shower thing with my jams still on. Next, I'm right on time and back in bed because it's 6:38am: time for your "Local on the 8's" courtesy of the ever-popular Weather Channel. I listen to my forecast. After it's done,
I'm perfectly lined up for MTV's new flash ("ten minutes to the hour, every hour, here on MTV"). So I click it to MTV and listen to Sway say, "what up world, it's Sway"
every morning until about 7:05, when I look at the VCR clock and realize,
crap, I've gotta get my act together or I'll be really late to work. I also think that the bags under my eyes have gotten so puffy that little tiny men could one day
climb on my face and sleep on them like pillows. What?

So I dry my hair, do all that gay stuff, lay down on my bed and pour red-reducer drops into my godforsaken eyes, pack a too-large bag of wheat thins and drive away as mom waves out the window in her pajamas. In the car, I have to pick a good CD to get my day started right. For example, today was Michael Jackson. Gay you say? I say you are gay.

And that's that. I just found it all very interesting yesterday. Speaking of yesterday, me and Meliss went to Bagel & Bagel for some lunch time eating. There, after we had purchased our bagels and "sweetened the deal" we ventured on over to fill our drinks. There, Meliss began filling her DIET COKE. Whilst in mid fill, we met an employee "chap." You might also say he was an employee "special needs chap." And he confessed his love for diet coke. He also screamed that he loved putting things in his diet coke.
Like Sherbert. Rainbow sherbert. To which, Meliss replied.."daaaammmn" like she was a sista or something. I don't know.. I don't think you say choice words like that to a "special needs chap." But, oh did she. It was freaking classic.
Recalling the story in the car definitely gave us a good chuckle.

Good ol' MW: "I have still those 8000 problems and now Jenna Jameson keeps popping up still. I came back from the meeting and there she was; spread eagle.
So now I have to find some sort of pop up blocker. I'm stressed. I'm sorry."

Well, the day is almost done, I received word that Brian has put muffins in the cheese dome, KU will kill UAB, and I'm determined to have a swell weekend.

3/25/2004

We're all having sort of a rough day over here with these magazines.
Maybe we should look to the words of Tim Zepick,
Melissa's "neutral, vodka-mainlining pal."
Please, go ahead and enjoy:

"Life sucks but thats alright because I'm a buddhist and nothing can effect me. I'm like a rock in a stream and there's all this cool mountain water flowing all over me and occasionally some bear or kangaroo or egret, which is a beautiful bird, dumps their shit and piss into the water and that flows over me too. And there's a Poly-Vinyl-Chloride factory a few miles upstream and they're not too green friendly so there's a lot of costic chemicals flowing all over this rock on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.
It really doesn't matter though because I'm a rock and what can shit or muratic acid or even cool mountain water do to a rock? Nothing. What can plum blossoms floating over head do to a rock? Nothing. I will always be a rock no matter what floats by and at least there's a little variety. And the river bed dirt in between my toes is squishy
and isn't getting a little dirty what life is all about?"

I WANT TO BE AS POETIC AND COOL AS THIS MAN IS. Bless you, Tim, bless you.

3/24/2004

K. I just returned from RED ROBIN. Man, I'm happy. I finally bucked up and tried that
"5 Alarm" burger. It should come with a medal. It was no match for me, ha ha. Hot, yes. Tasty, yes. Made nose water, yes. Made me want to return for another red robin meal in an hour, yes. Thank you, Mr. Robin, for gracing us with your presence here in OP. Although I do miss the usual waiter in Omaha with every inch of body hair shaved off,
and maybe into my food along with the fingertip hmmm, Melissa.

I'm a little loopy. I actually am going off the deep end.. i just told someone at work how i want a lazer installed in my eye so it can act as a mouse and i can just look at the screen and wink and it will click on things. This is because I have been looking at blogskins for 8 hours for Kelly P. I think I now need one of those white trash wrist guards.
Or maybe I'm just tired because the puppy chow is seeping into my eye sockets.

I set up my computer yesterday and man it's the sweetest thing on the planet. And it's better than Brian's. And I tell him every day. And I think he cries cause he knows mine is the supreme ruler of all computers. Except that I will note that tech support shall not hire ladies who talk like this: bee boop me beee boob beeee. I mean, seriously.

Tonight, I might go to Best Buy and buy The Chapelle Show and the Eight Minute Abs/Buns/ok, basically, whole body collection. Nevermind.
I'll probably just eat puppy chow and I'll fall asleep and my face will smash into the bowl.

3/23/2004

Last night Brian got a very special Pottery Barn Cheese Dome in the mail.
From me.
Here's how the convo went down:

Brian: So I got something in the mail today... a cheese dome of some sort..
Me (gay): Well, do you just love it?!
Brian: Well yeah, of course. Because I have a lot of cheese that needs to be domed.

I'm filthy. I'm dirrrty.

3/21/2004

Hey peeps. This weekend was indeed very cool. I traveled to Omaha pretty early on Friday afternoon. With 3 Lime Diet Cokes in my system, I was feelin' alright. While in the midst of some serious highway driving, I see the girl driving in front of me, open her car door and then slam it back shut. I mean, we were going 80 mph. That was quite a treat?

So basically, right after I arrived in NE, Brian's PMUSA pal knocked on the door. He would be spending the night with us, along with Montie, J-Rod, and Taylor (fellow Hawks and 1712 residents.) So back to this first friend. His real name is Joe. Although, for the purpose of obviousness, we're gonna call him: Nick Cage.


Also, while Nick Cage was showering, I stole his sneakers and took pictures of myself wearing them. Because he wears a size 15. Who was he kidding?
He could have showered in his shoes!

So after about a half an hour of Rage Cage, Montie and the boys showed up at the door. Basically, from this point, le partay begun, 40's were bought, Nick Cage begun referring to himself as "Nesty Cage", and all were happy. The KU game was on, we were kicking tail, and decided to go, er, WALK, a very long and cold and windy way to Buffalo Wild Wings.

I should stop at this point to mention, Grayland. This is Brian's neighbor.
He curiously resembles Kansas City's favorite Chief Meterologist. Hmm:

Gray works for the Air Force, he's real smart, and he pimps out rides and things like that.
So, by night's end, I had conversations with Taylor and Grayland about how getting hit in the nuts felt, basically drank the HOT sauce at BWildWings, listened to Grayland's wifey drone on and on about her interior decorating interests, and made an MTV cribs tape with Montie on his video camera, all before being the first one to go to sleepy sleep.

So we all wake up in the morning to Montie, begging us to gather around the video camera. "I'm gonna go tea-bag Jarod!" his little video-recorded face said. Yep. Apparently this took place last night because Jarod snored a titch bit too loud. Oh, and after Jarod got the bag, Montie sat on his face. Literally. So, Saturday morn, the boys were off to Arizona, 22 hours away, and Jarod is going to shave off Montie's eyebrows sometime in the middle of another night.

Well, all the boys went off and we and Brian were left to do what we do best: shopping. So we went to Pottery Barn, purchased a stupid tray and a rug. At World Market, I bought a wire basket and a cute little miniature red chair and also 3 wicker storage boxes. We bought Brian another end table at the furn mart. I got to take a gander at that cool store, The Afternoon. We put up shelves, I bought fake plasic flowers for them, I filled Brian's picture ledges, vacuumed, and even enjoyed some Crane Coffee.
And we ate and ate.
And here's what heaven looks like:


Yes, so it was quite a weekend. I think sometime this week I shall devote a column to
J-Rod and his drunken T-rex hands. Something to look forward to, I guess.
I think my new, scratchless puter comes today. That's okay by me.
Gosh. Someone hire me as a columnist/professional eater.

3/19/2004

I'm having a bit of a day:
I tried to type in Gary and I typed in: Gay.
I tried to type in Andrea Bond and I typed in: Andrea Bong.

3/18/2004

Dell can go to Hell. Yeah. You like that? I opened my computer today. I was so excited. I found a large white scratch going all the way down the tower, with a huge chip at the top. I am so furious, you wouldn't believe. Apparently MY section of the customer care center is closed, but I did get to speak with a stupid man that sounded like he had peanut butter permanently pushed up into the roof of his mouth. Wrong department.

So now, I will just wait even longer for my computer to come again, to be set up, and to be installed. I can't even use my ipod. Now, isn't that a treat. It's getting dusty. And I'm crying now. I feel ill. My stomach is tearing up inside and now I have to pack for Omaha. 5 Raspberry Lemonades and a large bowl of hot cajun pasta are not a good mix in my body. I need to ralph. Maybe I'll do it all over my new computer, because I hate it so much. Time to go pack for Omaha and then I am going to bed.
God. Great, there is some huge bug-bird flying around my room.

DanysAnmls: brian would be a good blogger too
if he wasnt so busy trying to give children cigarettes. hahaha..

3/17/2004

"I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers,
I'll be all right when my hands get warm.
Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing.
I'd rather you'd never heard my voice.
Too late to be gracious and you do not warrant long good-byes.
You're calling too late. "
-Dashboard Confessional

I just don't know about some things, you know..

Let's get something straight. MTV's "Pimp My Ride" is the best show on television.
I want Xhibit to pimp my Taurus.

Ok, next. I had a dream last night. I had a dream that I was in a sandwich making/eating contest. Why? In the dream, there were all these toppings and meats and cheeses. And I was slaving over my sandwich, working and designing to win the prize for both tastiest and best presentation. And I remember waking up at 5:11 am, really confused, needing to go pee, and disgusted because I never got to see which sandwich won the competition! What?

HEALTHY food day today is a blow. I ate some sausage surprise dish, which will probably surprise me later with something special. But there was cheese, and for this I am grateful. So I just snacked on some cheese for about a half an hour.

HOLLY MY NAILS FROM ST. LOUIS IN JANUARY FINALLY CAME OFF. For crying out loud, I finally peeled all these fake gel nails off, only to see that I basically have no nails left whatsoever. They are so thin that anytime I touch something I feel like they are bruised and anytime I wash my hair, the hot water is like a death sentence.

Yesterday, I got this compliment passed along from salesman Greg:
Hi Greg,
Congratulation for the good work you and you team did with our new ad
including the insert. It looks very good. We like it very much.
Best regards,
Niko

He's German and I'm out of here........

3/16/2004

I realized today, around noonish, that you can't drink your lunch.
So a Silver Spoon low-fat BLT met the pit of my stomach.

Ok, so MTV's 'Famous Face' freakshow carnival boys were zitty and disgusting and they will never be actors if their lives depended on it. I don't think I'm gonna support that show.
Gross me out.

What I will support...and desire a repeat showing of,
is Kelly Prochaska's Target dressing room performance of a lesbian hiker, entitled, "Snakeskin and Boots."

3/15/2004

Well, I did it.
I'm the proud new owner of a D-E-L-L computer. Yeah, and it's all black and sweet.
Who am I? I mean, I think when I get my credit card bill, my head will start spinning around in complete and fast circles, my hair will stand on end, spinning.......
.........and then it will explode off of my neck and hit someone. What a mess.

3/14/2004

Finally. A little blogging for the laymen. Friday, I took this sweet, sweet HTML class.
Also, never eat at O'Leary's on your lunch break unless you want to simulate a crap, parallel to the essence and splendor of Niagara Falls. End of story.

Ah yes, the weekend. Where something actually happened to me.
Brian came into town on Friday. I hadn't seen him since I was born, so it was nice to catch up and hug him and things. So that night, we drove it on up to Lawrence to watch that KU/MU game. And apparently, to have that 4 for all Pizza Hut pizza again.
It was good to me.

After spending a late, Nat-Light night in Lawrence, we dined/gorged at Meat Market. Then we went home to Overland Park and proceeded to act like we were on that classic game show, "Shop 'Till You Drop." That we did, my friends...that we did. First we went to Pottery Barn to eye a rug we loved. Brian bought two black crown molding shelves to put our picture ledge plan into full swing. Next we went to the Limited, where, (gasp!)
I made my first credit card purchase like a champ. I bought two of the most greatest pair of capris. One dark green, one khaki.
Then we shopped Town Center together like a pair of love birds.

From there, we went to Benchmark to try to find some more rugs. We rooted through every single rug and carpet that was ever made on this earth, and then, I found it. The rug that to end all rugs, aka, "the one that needs to be in Brian's apartment." Brian did not love it as much as I. There might have been a little tantrum in Benchmark right then. So we left that blessid place and drove on over to Best Buy where I purchased AN IPOD. It is gorgeous. But what was not gorgeous is that when I got home and ripped it open, I found I needed Windows XP and not, alas, Windows 98. This means I will be purchasing a sweet little number I found off the Dell website for a reasonable amount.
Some may same I am nutso, however, please, I need severe encouragement.

Moving on. After the ipod, we treated ourselves to a little Starsky and Hutch.
"Cross the line, and your nuts are mine!" It was decent. After this, we went to Applebees and got fatter. Then we both fell asleep at home within the first 12 minutes of SNL.

Today, me and Brian had brunch at the Cheescake Factory. It was so totally cool.
We tried the, um, Rasberry Lemonade...and I think I want to put my face under a spout where it permanently pours this stuff out. Loved it. I also had some tasty french toast. After this, we drove home, where I had a slight panic attack about purchasing a new Dell. I'm still a little unstable, however, was completely turned around when Laura, Steph, and the Shin's invited me to see "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Laura's stock just went up. I just got back and I think I'm on cloud nine. Can't beat a Lindsay Lohan movie. You just can't, okay.

So that's all she wrote folks.
I think I'm about to give birth to a two elephants driving a semi-truck.
Crazy you say? Yeah. It just might be.

3/10/2004

Many thanks to my felching friend Kelly P. for retrieving and delivering my keys and for witnessing Mr. Buddy Whackit with me yesterday. Love you Kel!

1.) Jenn decides to wear expensive, nice shirt to work.
2.) Jenn snags expensive, nice shirt on a piece of freaking velcro.
3.) Jenn goes out to her car to drive away.
4.) Jenn realizes her car keys are in Kelly's car from last night's run to Goodcents.
5.) Jenn thinks, "Oh! I'll just use the spare key!"
6.) Jenn learns that the spare key is, indeed, the ignition key, and not the door key.
7.) Mom drives Jenn to work.
8.) Jenn can run faster than Mom drives Jenn to work.
9.) Jenn has a brain aneurysm.

3/09/2004

"You two are just too cute in those top hats!"



Yep, that's me being a big gay at the company's Oscar festivities.
But I think the editor-boob-man was an even bigger gay. Look at his funbags! We did get to enjoy some pretty mouth-watering Italian apps and some tastier G & T's. Actually I think I stuck my face right into the stuffed mushroom silver tray and began feeding myself like a horse.

Tonight me and Kel are going on a walk. I'm a titch excited. I need it because I'm feeling a tad, underappreciated in the magazine team.
Then I think I'll watch Real World and that Gay show on Bravo. Peace.

3/07/2004

Ah. Friday night after Taco Bell with Shin and Laura, I drove down to the Plaza to meet up with Kate, Brett, Heather, and Chris Kaatan/Martin Short. We bummed around Tom Fooleries with all the beautiful people. Then we went on over to Canyon where we could sit down and sip on some margs with live music. It was pretty nice to go out, yeah, pretty nice.

Saturday morning I slept in. I woke up thinking, "Hey, I'll make an egg McScott for lunch." So I whip one up like it's nobody's business, pour a glass of water, clean up the kitchen and head back up with it to my bed. I'm midway up the stairs, when my right big toe, hooks into my left pajama pant leg, causing me to fall face first into the carpet, eat the carpet, throw my egg sandwich up against the wall, along with my glass of water; a mini waterfall. So my egg sandwich slides down the wall and lands back on my plate, only to soak up all of the mini waterfall. GOD. I mean, can you picture me doing this?

Later on that day, and after I discovered my love for the new Usher song, and after I had a personal dance party in my room, I went on a LONG run outside since it was like 60 degrees. And even though today I feel like my leg flesh has been ripped from the bone, it was a nice fitness thing to do.

Kris came home, we all went to the Applebees where I am featured in one of their high school picture collages. I got the ever-tasty Asian Chicken Salad. And I wore flip flops there.

Then, Saturday night me and my pal Kelly Prospellman, watched endless episodes of Sex and the City, ate large ice creams, and talked and talked like we always do..

So, today I woke straight up, and drove on over to a bar called "The Fieldhouse." I watched the Hawks beat Mizzou. I met Kate, Brett, and Chris/Martin over there. We had a couple of pitchers and also the crispiest meal I have ever eaten.
I wore my "Muck Fizzou" shirt.

I took about a two hour nap then, and now I'm ready to go run on that damn treadmill. I've gotta keep that girlish figure.

3/05/2004

So I've haven't exactly felt super A+ cool lately. Last night I went to bed at the ungodly hour of nine. Couldn't believe it. But this morning, I woke up refreshed and ready to make a great magazine. Today, I got so much done. It made me feel wondermous. I organized like it was my freakin' job. I labeled, typed up a new contact sheet to post on my bulletin board, put every advertiser in my contacts section of Outlook, emailed every client to let them know that ad material will be due soon, entered all IO's, turned in some material, made some pretty sweet labels for things, cleaned out my e-mail, and God, apparently became a NERD.

Dude, I just bought my little sister flowers for her big school play tonight. I don't even think she has a speaking part. She just plays her trumpet with the rest of the trumpeteers. I'm going to view the play with Laura and fellow Robert Shin.
And we're getting Starbucks.
And I just realized I am going to a middle school play on a Friday night, beotch.

3/04/2004

Today is a very grim day. It's raining buckets outside. Ok, wait, let's not get to the grim part yet. I actually took my car in this morning for it's monthly problem, and guess who drove me back in the complementary shuttle van? The ever-popular Ewan McGregor!

But back to grimness. My car costs half a thou.
And also I don't think Brian will be able to come this weekend.
And I think there is a re-enactment of the Civil War going on in my uterus.

3/03/2004

God. Chipolte for lunch = immediate usage of stall 4 in the little ladies room.

Well another rainy day in Kans-ass. I'm the slightest bit pumped because me and two great pals are going to be seeing "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" tonight at Teen Center 20. We always go see these teen flicks together. And, poof, I think I'm obsessed with little Lindsey Lohan.

In other news, Jenny H. and I have apparently attracted the likes of Editor-dad-man, Rick Bush, Primedia prince. He wants to dress up with us for monday's Oscar dress up day. WE DO NOT EVEN KNOW HIM. He's a fun dude, ready to wear fishnets and a ball gown while we wear tuxedo T's. I'd have to say a "Go get 'em tiger," to that one.

Oh yes. And yesterday ruled. I got tickets to go see AFI and Thursday on St. Patty's day. It's pretty much just what I needed and the sweetest thing to happen to me this week.

Why don't I leave you guys with a little taste of the Decon Sean. Courtesy of friend Court Campbell. Notice the large signatures on his hunters jacket. Notice he's giving you the thumbs up AND the "you're number one" sign.



What a gem.

3/02/2004

I'm spending some personal time with myself.
Sometimes I think life and love and things
can sometimes be seen and awakened through the words of a friend.
And I'm serious about this. So here's to friends. And to thinking back.

3/01/2004

Sweet. I was one of the winners for the Primedia Oscar Challenge, where I correctly guessed all of the winners from last night. Great. So now I get an exclusive Primedia invitation to go eat free toasted brie and sip on gin and tonics, while dressed as my favorite moviestar!!